In this interview with Kinsey, we talk all about the process of healing and growth. We discuss the importance of becoming the observer of your life and your patterns and cycles so that you can unpack what's keeping you stuck and holding you back from your true, authentic potential. We talk about the importance of honoring your soul needs and heart desires. We talk all about ways that you can start to process your own emotions and move them through your body so that you can be the best version of you for yourself and for your family.
In today's episode, we discuss:
Connect with Kinsey:
Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com
Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.
In this interview with Kinsey, we talk all about the process of healing and growth. We discuss the importance of becoming the observer of your life and your patterns and cycles so that you can unpack what's keeping you stuck and holding you back from your true, authentic potential. We talk about the importance of honoring your soul needs and heart desires. We talk all about ways that you can start to process your own emotions and move them through your body so that you can be the best version of you for yourself and for your family.
In today's episode, we discuss:
Connect with Kinsey:
Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com
Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.
because I was so, like, I'm not ever doing that again. Like that was so traumatic and I'm not, I never want to feel that way again because of that experience. That's what led me to have this
Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here. I mean, everybody says that, but I feel like there's there's a lot of good stuff we're going to get into true okay. So before we do and get on to the topic for today, just like motherhood and parenting and kiddos and just really child development, I guess is the key. Can you tell folks a bit about you and who you are? And like a lot of people will mention, like what they do as who they are, but bring that in. But also like, who are you at your core? So important and such a great question, who I am at my core, Gosh, I am someone who has. I feel devoted my life to healing and breaking generational cycles. And I'm a deeply, deeply feeling person and we live in a messy world. And so it's there was a lot that I had to figure out for myself. I am, I'm a mother of two. I have a daughter who's almost 5, and I have another daughter that's 2 1/2. And as I was telling you before the the episode started, I'm a former elementary school teacher in the public school system in the States and I'm also a doula, a birth doula for those that don't know what a doula is, I basically help women. I support them in the prenatal period And then at their birth in postpartum, and
I feel like every kind of component of who I am has all been woven together like beautifully. But you don't always see how it's supposed to come together when you're in it. But looking back, I'm like, Oh yes, I needed that experience in order for this part to make sense. So I'm, I'm also married to a very supportive husband that we've, you know, known each other since we were 15. And so we have a lot of history there as well. But yeah, I would say, I mean I I'm a Jack of all trades, like I wear so many different hats. So it's hard to concisely say that, but I would say that's a good, that's a good chunk of it, so incredible. And I'm interested to the part that stands out to me the most is the doula. How did you get into that? And. Yeah, yeah, because that's it's not a word you hear often unless unless maybe you're in that space, right. Yeah, for sure. So great question. And I'm, I would love to talk about that because it was life changing. So and it all leaves together with my journey and motherhood and I know that's what we're going to be talking about a lot today too. So when I got pregnant I was still teaching. I'm from Seattle, WA area and we got pregnant and wrapped up the school year and we planned to move to the East Coast to Virginia and throughout the whole pregnancy I was in great shape. I was very active, I was super healthy. We were vegan at the time and we had planned for a natural pregnancy or a natural birth. And you know, we went to hip, no birthing classes, and just
I felt really good about it. But like all things in life, what you don't know, you don't know. And so I was set to birth at the hospital in Bellevue, WA and went into early labor. And you know, to make a very Long story short, I ended up with a traumatic C-section that was totally unnecessary. And then we moved out here when my daughter was a month old and left my career, left all the people that I knew, like I didn't know anyone out here other than my motherinlaw and really lived in a massive state of survival for many years after that. And you know, I would say that I'm, you know, in the last six months just beginning to really see how much that impacted us. So had the traumatic birth moved out to Virginia, couple years goes by, we get pregnant again. We wanted to have another child. So we got pregnant again. And it was 2020. So we found out we were pregnant, I think Mother's Day of 2020. like, you know, just a couple months into the world shutting down, no biggie. And I knew instinctively like I don't want to ever experience what I experienced before, but at the time I still very much had a lot of shame and guilt and blame against myself for having the C-section. I also had some post op complications and was readmitted to the hospital like one week postpartum and then we moved when she was a month old. So like crazy time anyway, massive like that whole transition, it was chaotic. It was wild. But when you're in it, you know when you're in it, you're like, this is fine, everything's fine and like meanwhile everything's on fire. But it's it's good.
So with my second, actually even before we got pregnant, there was a birth center in our town, and it's called tree of life birth center. And I was like, way before we were even planning to have another child. I was like, if I ever have another birth, like I'm going to have my baby here. And it just a lot of, like really synchronistic connections to this space. And anyway, we got pregnant. I went in and went into care with them, and through my care with them, I really set my intention to have a healing pregnancy and a healing birth. And that's what happened. I mean it was, it was wild. And like I really had to face a lot of my fears. I had to, like, you know, I think a lot of times we want to just kind of, we don't want to face our fears because we don't want to like, manifest that. I'm using that in your quotes, right. We're afraid to say the things that we're afraid of because we don't want to actually put that onto the universe. And then if that happens, then we feel like we put it out there, right. So true. And so anyway, I ended up having just this incredible support system. My midwives were like, they're actually my very good friends to this day, and I'm actually going to one of their houses this evening. So it's just been like a full circle thing. So I had a doula who was an incredible support in that experience. And when my daughter Remy, my second daughter, was born, I had her in the tub and I got to literally pull her from womb to chest myself. It was like the most empowering raw, closest to like you know, God, like it was wild. It was a crazy experience And so from there what a freaking one baby from the your first That's it was it was night and day. But like if I didn't have that first experience none of this would have happened you know and it maybe I would have still had my baby here. I don't know. But because I was so, like, I'm not ever doing that again. Like that was
so traumatic and I'm not, I never want to feel that way again
because of that experience. That's what led me to have this 180 of an experience, right. So I mean it was pretty much like instant once I had birth Remy, I was like I have to become a doula. Like it was just, it was like a motor in you that you can't ignore. So I when she was like 3 months old, I think I enrolled in my doula program and I did it all online through Mama Glow who is based out of New York City and with Latham Thomas and just outstanding program. So amazing. And then as life would have it, you know, real things happen and I ended up going back into the teaching profession for a year and the spring of that year. So I think this was spring of I reached out to the birth center at this time, like they were just my midwives. They I was just their former client. But I reached out to them and I was like, hey, would you guys be interested in, you know, me being like observing some births or whatever. And they were like, come on in. And so they just kind of like welcomed me with open arms and I just became a doula and started going to births. And it was, I think it wasn't like my second birth I was at was a C-section, but it was a it was a
it was a breech baby, a breech birth, which they can still, you can still have your breech baby vaginally. Like midwives are trained to do that. However, this was a first time mom and they made the decision, the informed decision to have a C C-section and I got to be in the OR with them and I got to see it all being done. And so, like, that was really healing for me. Be able to be able to, like, support. Yeah, to be able to support someone who felt it wasn't what they wanted. They wanted to birth the birth center. But at the same time, given their circumstances, they felt very supported and empowered for the decision that they made. So yeah, totally full circle. It was really, really powerful to like, I'm still friends with. I mean, I'm friends with a lot of my former clients, but so then I did that for I'm like, I'm still a doula right now, but I am kind of wrapping up that part of my life for right now because I do have two little ones and we really don't have extended family or anything like that out here. So being on call all the time is like, it's pretty it took a toll on our family and took a toll on other components, even though I love it so much and I'm very called to and I'll return to it at some point of course. But yeah, yeah, it's so interesting that you say like wrapping up that chapter just even for now, even if you're just like putting a bookmark in. It is a really neat concept. And I
was thinking too, like, what a beautiful exercise in letting go that first, the first time you were in hospital and you're like, I it's, I can even hear in your voice like how passionate you were about that quote UN quote. We were doing everything right. Like I was so healthy. Like we were eating vegan. I was very active. Like, we did all these things right and it still didn't go the way I was expecting it to go. Like holy moly, Yeah. And that happens to so many things in life. So what an exercise it does. It does happen with a lot. And I think too like just to speak to the maternal health, I would call it a crisis in America right now it's it's we are one of the most developed nations and with the highest rates of of maternal deaths and and infant mortality, it's it's wild. So we're having things that are happening to women in the hospital settings that are just, there's a lot of space for advocacy. There's a lot of work that needs to be done. So like, my C-section was not necessary. And I can't tell you how many stories of women that I have have worked with personally or known personally where they tell you their story and you're like, Oh my gosh, like it did not have to go down like that. It did not have to go down like that. And So what? What? What is that? Because I'm like literally not familiar with this at work at all. So why? Like, why? Why? Yeah, why? Gosh, okay. So let's see if I can put this concisely, #1 money. There is a lot more money involved in hospital births than home births are out of hospital births #2. There's lot of fear. But that is because of how you know how
birthing has changed in our culture. So women are made to not trust their bodies there. You don't know how to trust the process. Birth is intense, but your body was made to do this. And then you're hearing very mixed messages. When you're in, you know your prenatal care with your if you have like an Oba lot of times the people that you've been in care with, like you're going to see your OB, but they're not going to be the person to deliver your baby. And that to me seems super weird, Like I'm going to trust you for my whole pregnancy. But then like the day of just some random person is going to be rolling in that I've never met before maybe. Or maybe I have.
And I mean, I certainly don't want to like Bash, you know, the hospital system, but like it really does come down to money. And also it comes down to the fact that they are trained to intervene. They're not trained to let a woman's body do what it's meant to do. So, you know, labor is long. Labor is hard work, and not everybody's labor is long, you know, but it's, it's hard work. And the more, you know, monitoring and the more invasive you are, the more you go around digging and looking for a problem where you're going to find something, you know, you're going to find about one thing that like is a cause for concern. And as soon as the birthing woman, you know, the birthing mom is feeling that fear, your body is not going to respond to that. Well, you know, there's also just a tremendous lack of support for women. And they are often like their concerns are not heard often or they are just always being pushed for interventions. I had a private client. Like, I don't, I don't personally enjoy taking clients at birth in the hospitals, not because they want a birth in the hospital, but because of the hospital system. So I had a client, for example, who it was her first time. I'd been with her all day in labor at home. She rolled into the hospital, like literally ready to push her baby out. And they were like, well, we need to listen to you for 20 minutes and we need to do this first. And we need to do that first. And she's like she said, no, I don't want any of that. I want to get, she's in the triage room. She said no, I decline all of that. I just want to get back there and and have my baby, you know? And they said, so you don't care about the welfare of your baby. You don't care about like this woman is. Anyway, they got back there, checked her. She was 9 centimeters. Like she was literally about to push her baby. I was just gonna slide right out of there like her baby was coming, whether or not they wanted her to have it in the triage room or her labor room. So it's the most policies and procedures that. Yes. Yeah. So, and I mean, I'm sure you've run into that to some degree in like your profession as well. And it it definitely spills over into like the education system. And you see just there's
just,
I would say in the birthing world, there's like less and less autonomy for women and less support. And you know, they're just not being heard and they're not being supported to trust their bodies. They're being supported to like, hey, you, you know, everything. Like, tell me how you want me to birth my baby. And like most women end up birthing on their back, which is one of the worst positions to birth in because your pelvis is way more closed. And how that came about was because a male doctor, you know, 100 years ago decided this was more convenient for him. And, you know, so that's kind of in a nutshell, **** okay, you're a wealth of knowledge on this. Like, I'm like, I don't know how much you want me to go into it and I love it. It's so fascinating because people need to know. And even as you were speaking
it sounds like you are so empowering like giving women knowledge and having and you see the importance of having them tune into their own bodies. But you're right even as you're speaking I'm like I don't even I don't even have any questions like I just I don't I don't even have any questions because we we do just assume that Okay the doctor knows best and exactly here's what will happen and trusting in that versus also like trusting in the the abilities that we have and we've gotten really far away to from like our village. You know of having of seeing other women birth of supporting someone else in labor. Like, these are things that we've done for hundreds and hundreds and, you know, maybe thousands of years, women supporting women in birth. And it's become so medicalized when birth is a an incredibly sacred, transformational time and it's treated as a medical emergency. And I'm not saying that there are not medical emergencies. There are, but there are very few and far between. It's just that it's been so conditioned into us that like, oh, you need to go to a doctor. And they need, they have all the answers. Like you said, they know everything. And it just puts women in a really vulnerable spot. Yeah. Dang, Okay. I have. There's like so much more there. But Fast forward a bit to now you guys are away from family and like you said that village piece. So yeah, talk a bit about how do you care for your family and your work and your partner and yourself. Yeah, talk to me about all of that because it's a lot. It is a lot. And so I would say I'm going to go in this direction. I would say that motherhood, my daughter just popped in. Hi baby. For me motherhood is a spiritual journey.
Like, that's my truth. I would say that motherhood has shown me all of the parts that I need to heal and it's sort of like cracked me open into seeing like my inner child wounds. And I always, I always tell people like even if you don't have kids, like it's it's literally,
I guess the simplest way to put it is like how you would treat a child is how you need to treat yourself. You know what I mean? Like, we are always making sure that children are taken care of and they're getting enough rest and we're listening to them when they're upset and we're validating their feelings and we're sitting with them in the hard times. And you know, I think that whether or not you have children, like you've still witnessed that to some degree. If you have little brothers or sisters or cousins or you know, nieces and nephews or you've just been around kids in your life, whatever, you know, you can see the importance of this path. And for me, it was like becoming a becoming a mom was I got lost in it. I I very much like lost myself in it and then it all came back together because I was like learning how to re parent myself through parenting my children. And I think that sometimes where we miss the mark is we think that it's about like these things that are important such as exercise and sleep and like those are like minimally what we need to be doing right. But there is a lot deeper work there, especially if you have any history of trauma, if you have any history of like. Even if you don't have big tea trauma, maybe you have little tea trauma or you have had a rough childhood or whatever, like basically your baggage is going to spill out into your parenting. Like it's going to all come out there. And So what I found for me is that I was doing all of those things.
I felt like I was doing all those things. And,
you know, I was talking to a therapist and I just, I was still repeating cycles. I was still yelling at my kids. I was still completely overwhelmed at times. I was still very, you know, over stimulated and touched out And like all of these things and we're kind of sent the message, like just try harder, you know, like may just do more like make a better routine or wake up an hour earlier or, you know, like fill in the blank thing and you're like, yeah, that's great. You know, like I'm, I'm doing those things and they're, they're important. But what I found is it's the deeper work. It's the going back internally and sitting with your own and her child and being like, OK, how do I need to treat myself? How can I heal myself from the inside out? Because that's how you, you know, break these cycles with your own children. Yes, I love that. And it's in. It becomes that that deeper work becomes not only sitting in therapy becomes not only when you take the time to do that at home in your journal or when you're venting to friends about you know what's going on with you. For me, even it's become like an A daily, every second of every day deeper work. It's always bringing it back to that because we get, we get out of it and we get into our heads and out of our bodies and we have those natural human reactions and emotions that come up. So I love that you say the deeper work because and people think that it's just isolated too. OKI do this for an hour in the morning or I go see my therapist. But it's like, no, it's anytime you have an uncomfortable feeling come up or you have like lashed out at somebody or acted in a way you didn't want to behave. That is when it's time for you to reflect. And it's not a moment of like self shaming your hatred, It's that it's getting in there, like you said, doing that in your child's work,
that's amazing. Yeah. So how does that come out for you in your parenting the most? Like, where have you seen the most growth for you and like, the success reflected in your family? Oh man. So a couple of things came up when I was just listening to you speak. Number one, I think what people really need to understand or what I want people to understand is like triggers and behavior or communication, symptoms are communication. All of these things are our body's way of communicating with us like, hey, something is not right here, right? And so when we can take that approach versus shaming ourselves or criticizing ourselves or like letting kind of that ego part of us take over and and just be like, Oh my gosh, you're a horrible mother or you're a horrible person. Or, you know, you just need to like maybe you just need a day of selfcare. Like it's not that. It's literally like you said, it's a moment by moment practice of, OK, why am I feeling triggered? What does that feel like in my body? Can I locate that feeling in my body? Where is that coming from? Because what's happening when we're triggered or when we're and I guess when I say triggered, I mean even like you know, you're overwhelmed or you're over stimulated or like any of those moments where like you said, you're getting in your head and you're getting out of your body and out of the present moment. You have to look at what's where that's coming from. And that's really when you get to the root cause of anything that's that's where the healing can happen, right. But if you can't peel back the layers to get there, you know, and it takes time, right? Like, you can't just, this is not like I'm going to read a book. One thing I talk about a lot is conceptualizing your healing. So you feel like you're I'm going to read all the books and I'm going to listen to all the podcasts and I'm going to do these things. But like, if you're not letting that land in your system and you're not letting that like connect with your body, you're not really going to see a change. You know what I mean? So I feel like to
answer your question of where I've seen it the most, it's literally in those tiny moments, it's, you know, the other day my daughter is melting down and it's completely out of nowhere, right? Like I'm just like way out of left field. Like I have no idea where this is coming from. And it's instead of being like, you know, this is ridiculous, like, you know, just take a break or whatever, it's leaning into that. It's literally going into her and picking her up and saying, you know, gosh, this is hard. I hear you. This is really hard right now. You know, like, let's get through this together. I'm not afraid of how big your feelings are. Like, we can figure this out together. I'm here, you're safe. I would say, like a big piece of it is finding safety in yourself. And then that is going to come out in your whole family unit, right? Like, so if everybody can feel safe, we can all process through this together. And we're not scared of our big feelings. We're not scared of the tantrums. We're not like too much. And I think that a lot of us have lived our whole life feeling like our big feelings are just too much. They're they don't have a place in our world, right? Like anger, rage, overwhelm, like all of these things. So I would say that's definitely part of it. But in order to arrive there I had to build an awareness and build an internal like healing journey for myself so that I can have the bandwidth, the energetic capacity to pick that screaming 2 year old up and say I know this is hard like we got this. And so for me I would say like a large part of of that piece came from
finding safety in my body. You know, not to sound repetitive, but like really coming back home to myself and realizing for me personally, and everybody's going to be different. But for me personally, I need a lot of alone time. And that was a huge aha moment for me because I am someone who loves so deeply and so much and I feel like I'm just a champion for everybody else. But if you don't learn how to, like, then figure out how you recharge, That's a really critical part, right? So, like, if you are just going, going, going, then you're going to criticize yourself for needing alone time. And I'm not talking like go to a massage like that. Yeah, that's great, you know? But like literally just sitting in silence, like there's nothing wrong with you because you're overwhelmed. Like it's freaking overwhelming. Like, life can be that way sometimes, You know? It doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It just means like right now you need to take a beat and I would also say the physical component of it. So like a lot of women don't understand the impact that stress has on our bodies or how our hormones and our nervous system get dysregulated in the childbearing years. So when you are pregnant and then you're birthing and then you're in postpartum and you may or may not be breastfeeding. I was so for like for me, for example, my body was either growing a human, birthing a human and or feeding a human for like 4 years straight, you know, And then I was in this stressful job that wasn't in alignment with our beliefs and our values and kind of how we wanted to have our life cultivated. And then we're being, you know, like my. So the year I went back to teaching, I had two kids in daycare and they were there for, you know, 10 hours a day. And I had like an hour commute each way. And I was in a high stress, you know, teaching position. And that all takes a toll on ourselves. But rather than being able to step out of that and say okay like let's take, let's let's zoom out. You know we're in survival is what happens is like we're in survival for so long
and we don't see how to get out of that and we're just trying to like put band aids on this fire hydrant that is just blasting us in the face, you know. So that's a very long winded answer to answer your question. But it's like it's so multifaceted, you know, there's so many layers to it. And I think that's less like a such a fabulous answer because if we look at because in asking you know how has your own work affected your growth and and your families and like how do you hold space for everyone Looking at that from this lens of you know I did my work 1st and it's ongoing and I leaned into it and it's come from not only a mind work and like a deeper psychology kind of work. It's also you talk about the body a lot which I like, and just even looking at hormones and stressors and then the idea of being in this constant survival mode. And that's something that we we as a general collective right now, I feel like people are losing hope. They don't think they can step out of that and maybe that's in different areas, right. Maybe there's people living in a space and they got out of it during COVID and now they're like, yeah, I like grow my own vegetables and I like do all this stuff. And or like if you're just living working middle class, I provide parents have a couple jobs each and kids and everything to run to. It's insane. And I can see how people would feel like there's not a way out of that survival mode. And so I I yeah, I want to talk about that and I urge people that it's it's a process. Like, even. But we sat down before hitting record and you're like, yeah, like you look chill. And
like that for me is a process that has been like two years in the making to sit down on a podcast and not for me to not have to say to the person on the other end, sorry I'm late. Like that is the story of my life is sitting down and meetings me like sorry I'm late. And like it's so amazing to just sit down and be like, ah, and but yeah, yeah, it's unreal. And it it doesn't happen every single day. But I think that's where the, like, you're saying this fire hydrant, like blasting you in the face, like it's gradually like someone is like cranking down the the nozzle on it. So there's like just a steady flow of water versus, yeah, intensity. And I think it allows you to be able to, like, notice more. You know, I think if there's one thing that people could walk away from this episode with is just learning, it's the practice is observing yourself, right? The practice is like just sitting with yourself and seeing like, wow, I really like, blew a gasket back there for no freaking reason. Like, where did that come from? You know, that's like base level. You know, if we can all just begin with, like noticing our our triggers or noticing when we're upset or noticing when something doesn't feel right in our body, You know, noticing how you're responding to your children is going to unpack your own internal layers. I mean, there's so much more I could talk about with that too. But when you begin to notice your own patterns and when you begin to notice your own cycles that you're going into, because I think a lot of us like you were saying like that you get stuck kind of in this merry go round of like, I want to change and then you see some progress and then something just pulls you right back out. And that's because it really there's something deeper there under the surface. But in order to get there, you have to have the awareness. You can't solve anything if you can't see that there is something there that needs your attention,
right. Like, I always talk about how children, when they need something and you just keep ignoring it, like they just get louder, right? That's our self too. That's our internal self. And that's our health, our physical health. That's our mental health, That's our spiritual health. Like, if we just keep saying, you know, not right now, I don't have time for this. You just keep shoving it down, shoving it down, it's going to get louder. Like those symptoms are going to get louder. Your emotions are going to get louder. Your behavior is going to get louder. And so it's really about being like, okay, you know, where am I at right now in this moment where I'm at today, like and noticing it from there. What a cool example, like analogy to look at. Like kids get louder. Our insides get louder too in whatever aspect of our life that's in. And I think people like, can relate to that. If you've had like some sort of dream on your heart for a while, if there's like, you know those intuitive hits that you get. Like, personally, like, I know that I've been supposed to, like, write a book, look for ages. And that is something that I'm like not right now, not right now. Like, I've been dabbling in it for like 2 years and I'm like not right now. There's other things. Not right now. And it just gets louder. And you're like, no, no, Like, you're supposed to keep writing. Exactly. And there's other, like, so many other examples of ways in which that comes out for us. And I love that You're like examining like as the observer. I just blew a gas go back there. Like, what was that? And I did that the other day with anger. I was like having an internal, like, temper tantrum because there was stuff going on externally and the people and the area that I was in, in public, I didn't want to show it. It wouldn't have been appropriate to like, have a full on cry there. But so I talked to myself in my head and like one of the conversations I had, like, I don't know, I just felt like a pouty 2
year old. And in my head I was like, oh, you're really angry right now, aren't you? And that, like, voice in my head was like, yeah, like I'm really angry right now. Yeah. And it was just such a cool conversation to have. And then it was like okay, Well, like, why? What's going on? And it's like because like I don't have control over this. And I was like, ah, okay, there it is. Okay, Let's go into that and then we can problem solve from there. But people are trying to, like you said with the fire hydrant put just like band aids on it and trying to problem solve when we're in the temper tantrum mode. Yeah. And fix this. Yeah. And I think too, like it's really important that people understand like emotions or communication, they're not good or bad. And so if you're feeling anger or rage, that's okay. Like we are allowed. That's a healthy part of being a human. And so it's. But the other part of that is you have to be able to like discharge that emotion from your body. Like you have to be able to discharge this energy. And so if you are having a really big feeling like you said this was not a space that I really wanted to start crying in, like that was not appropriate. But later on, you know, were you able to move your body? Were you able to, like, move? Emotions are not meant to live in our body. We're not meant to store them. They're meant to move through us. And So what happens is people just feel like, well, I need to be happy. I need to be grateful. I need to be this. I need to be that. And we're so focused on, like, just the pot, like what we've deemed positive and, like, socially acceptable. And it's like, no, if you're angry, you're angry. And that's OK, like go punch a cushion in your bed or like, scream into a pillow or if you're sad, like, have a good cry. You know, like, these are important things so that you can, yes, you can observe, but then you also need to discharge that energy somehow, you know. So that's a big part of it too, I think. So true. I love that piece of moving it through you. And
there was somebody in the podcasting group who their podcast is called, I think something like crying on my yoga mat. My God, I love it. And I know. And the only reason like that sticks with me, we never even, I don't think we chatted or anything. But the reason that sticks with me is because I'm like, that's when it happens the most. If I've like gone for a run and now I'm stretching or I'm trying to force myself through a work that I didn't want to do in the 1st place, it's like there's something else going on there. Like for me, that's when like it's just so accurate that that's I know so many times my little teardrops have soaked the yoga mats. Like when you're moving your body, it comes through and then it it literally passes. It is, it is just an emotional, yeah. But I think we're just, we're so afraid of that intensity. And like I will say to it, it does connect to my work, the doula, because witnessing someone else and holding that space for them and such a vulnerable and intense moment of their life. And like definitely they were things that were really heavy. And I would be leaving these births with like such an energetic output that I just left there that I kind of had to like then go back into real life, you know. And that's where I really started to make that connection of like, OK, like I'm holding all of this in because especially if you're a care, if you're a caregiver of any kind or you're in a profession where you are pouring into other people, it's really easy to like absorb all of that and carry that with you. And I had a session with someone, you know, maybe a couple months ago, and she made the point about, you know, we have to learn how to be a screen and not a sponge. And I was like, wow, like, yes, big. Yes, love that. I love that. And that's such a good reminder because, like even in
therapy, there are sometimes when I'm hearing someone describe something like very intensely and I'll do like a like lift my hand up to cover my face and body and I'm like, OK, energetic bubble because I'm like, this is intense and I just like need some sort of protective, like energetic wise. And like I don't want to absorb this. This is like, yeah, I mean I want to be here to support them, but this is not like my thing to carry. I do not want to absorb this. So it's neat that she's the analogy of the sponge. I like that. Yeah. And that goes back into, like, what we're talking about with emotions and motherhood. And all of this is like recognize and observing what is mine, what is truly mine to carry right now or what is my, you know, what's my **** that I'm bringing into the situation and what is, what else am I allowing from my day or from someone else's mood or from my children? Like, we have to be able to differentiate, like what's mine to hold and what's my responsibility. And then also what isn't, you know, what is and what isn't. Yeah, yeah, I love that. It's such a good barrier, such a good boundary. And OK, I guess in wrapping up, can you maybe give a few Nuggets of wisdom, tips, information, advice, just from all your experience to, I think even if we look at educators, because we didn't get to chat much at all about, like, the schooling system and your experience there. So even if it's like, what would you love to see change like for child development, whether it's at school, whether it's in the hospitals, whether it's in families like? What is your what's your dream? What do you see as being possible? Because they also recognize that so many people are under so much pressure and no one wants
more advice or suggestions shoved down their throat. Oh yeah. I would say my biggest, my biggest thing is this. When you take radical responsibility of your life, you heal yourself. When you heal yourself, you heal the world. That is like my one of my core beliefs. And that's why I'm so passionate about helping women, like, heal from the inside out, Right. And that's so I guess in terms of child development, I want to see more adults healing themselves. I want to see more adults being able to hold space for themselves and for each other, and that is going to directly impact child development. That's going to directly impact this next generation. That is going to stop the cycles like I the only way I can make a difference on the future generation is by healing myself so that I don't keep repeating this stuff.
And so that would be like my you know #1, #2, I would say more trauma informed. I think that like across the board we need a lot more trauma informed. You know, education, I guess you could say in in all of our systems, like really in our in any kind of system. But what was happening in the school system is kind of what's happening in the medical system as well. Like people are, you've heard the analogy of like someone swimming down, like people are drowning in the river, right? And someone's down river pulling them out, pulling them out. But who's up there figuring out why they're in the river in the 1st place, drowning, you know. So I feel like that's where I want to see our education system or medical system. Like, I want to see this going in that direction where it's like we're in, we're stuck in triage. We're stuck, you know, chasing our tails in triage trying to like, fix this. But we're not recognizing like, where this is coming from. And so, like with my, my students, for example, their behaviors again are communication of what they've lived through. Like, these are children that have lived through some big, hard, scary things and we are expecting them. We are sometimes holding children to a higher standard than we even hold another grown up. And we're expecting these kids to just have these coping skills to like walk through life and they just don't have that. And so they're not going to have that if we don't have that, if we can't teach them that, if we can't heal ourselves so that we can hold that space for them. So that's like my you know big hearted dream for the world is like heal yourself so that you can you know it makes a big impact.
I it's just so amazing and I like that you say the trauma informed piece and that really is how I try to look at everybody I come into contact with and it makes such a difference because it just and it's not in terms of pitting others. So if no anyone like listening doesn't know what trauma for trauma trauma informed lens is like the way I view it is assuming that everyone that you come into contact with has gone through some sort of trauma whether that be big T little T something's going on deeper. They're not just like walking around perfect untouched And then would you add anything to that like definition. No. I just think that we you just you literally never know what someone is walking through and if we can begin to assume the best and like I also feel like compassion and empathy goes a really long way but you cannot have compassion and empathy for someone else unless you can have compassion and empathy for yourself. And I think that's a big part of what we're seeing right now is that so many people are living in this fearbased mind. And we are so consumed in our own pain that we can't look at someone else and be like, Oh my gosh. Like, you've also lived a full life of humanness and, you know, filled with joys and heartbreaks and happiness and traumas and, you know, pain and sadness and joy and all of these things. And to be able to look at somebody else who may be responding or reacting in a certain way and be like, wow, my heart aches for you. Because I feel like our triggers and our behaviors, our responses to things, are a reflection of our internal pain. And so, like, when we are, you know, losing our crap on somebody else or we're behaving in a way that was not in alignment with, like, your core values. Some people don't even know what
their core values are because they are still so deep in it. And so having that compassion for someone else, it starts with you first. And I just think we're missing that a lot. I love that. And interesting to look at people and observe their pain, not assuming that they've been pain, but just holding space for the fact that maybe they have been. And you know, the guy who's like flipping you off and driving like 160 down the highway, just holding that space for. OK, It doesn't mean I need to do the same thing back and have the exact same reaction. Yeah. And like even to like, that's such a great example too because that is, is a moment where you can think to yourself like, Oh my gosh, I hope that he's like not rushing to get to the hospital to see a loved one. Like you know, it's these small reframes where you're like, OK, that's not mine to hold. That is not an attack on me. This is a representation of the pain that they're walking in. And not like you said, not in a pitying way, but just in a way that like you can offer some compassion. And even if he is just out being an ******* like OK, that's him. Like that's his life that he's choosing to live. But at the same time, like maybe there is something else that that's going on that I will never know about. And that's true even for the people that we feel like we know on a personal level. Like in real life, you know the people that you see at work or the people you see in the grocery store or whatever. It's like, how many times have you had that kind of a day where something just gut wrenching has happened or you just got some news or a loved one is walking through something really hard and you just feel heavy. And then you go to the store and you're like, mildly, you know, annoyed by something. And you're just like, that's it, you know? And someone's looking at you like lady, like, just freaking calm down. You know, like. And in your mind you're like, I know I'm losing
it right now, but they don't see everything that you're bringing. And if we can have that lens with somebody else, like that's the magic, that's the healing, that's the compassion, that's that's the the beautiful way that we can make this world better is, you know, and I am just like one big giant bleeding heart. Like I truly do believe. We can all make a difference. But it takes being able to hold that space for yourself before you can hold that space for another. And that's true as a human, that's true as a mother, that's true as any profession that you're in. It's just bringing that awareness to the forefront.
It's so beautiful and OK, tell people where they can find more of you, more of your podcast. There's so much like we go on for like 3 hours. But I know yes, and thank you so much for letting me take up this time. So I am at a Better knowing on Instagram and my podcast is called a Better Knowing as well. And we just talk a lot about this. This is being a self healer. You know, walk in the walk. Thank you. So amazing. And yeah, I'll, I'll get in the show notes and people will come find you. It's amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.