If you keep finding yourself to be struggling emotionally and feeling reactive and triggered by others frequently, this episode is the wake up call that you need. In this podcast episode, I walk you through a journaling exercise to help you get clear on your past patterns of behaviour and attachment wounding that might be keep you stuck in certain relational dynamics in your life. Plus - I share tips and tricks on how to manage your emotions when feeling emotionally triggered, activated, and out of balance and alignment with yourself.
In today's episode, I chat about:
My Current Reading List:
Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com
Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.
If you keep finding yourself to be struggling emotionally and feeling reactive and triggered by others frequently, this episode is the wake up call that you need. In this podcast episode, I walk you through a journaling exercise to help you get clear on your past patterns of behaviour and attachment wounding that might be keep you stuck in certain relational dynamics in your life. Plus - I share tips and tricks on how to manage your emotions when feeling emotionally triggered, activated, and out of balance and alignment with yourself.
In today's episode, I chat about:
My Current Reading List:
Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com
Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.
We too are an Organism and we can hold a lot. We can hold even more when we are balanced and grounded in ourselves. We're doing things for self-care that we love and that are important to us and then allow our true light to shine through.
What's up, y'all? And welcome back to another episode of the Better Boundaries Podcast. I'm so excited to be here with you today in this human experience and to chat about relational difficulties. This is something I'm seeing in therapy practice, and I'm also seeing in my own life, as well as the lives of those around me. And there's something interesting happening here, these different patterns of behavior that we have learned and adopted that seem to be causing a lot of tension and stress relationally. And you know, we're passing it on to generations. So I think it's wonderful when we can take a step back and look at our patterns of behavior that I've spoken a little bit about this before and there was an episode where I gave an exercise, I think I said this on here, an exercise that you can do to look back at your patterns. And just in case I didn't say it in a different episode, I'll tell you a bit about this exercise. It's one of my favorite things to do. So and then I'll get more into different details and we'll talk about relationship dynamics. But while this is fresh in my mind, let me give you this really useful tool and strategy to to help you. If you're looking at doing kind of some mental health work, it's a bit of spiritual work, sense of self work, like just really figuring out your identity and and what's important to you. And this is key if you're interested in making shifts and changes in your life. A lot of the time you know, people come to therapy when they are feeling stuck, when they feel like they've hit
their limit, when they feel like they are no longer willing to tolerate, accept and engage in certain relationship dynamics, certain behaviors, certain habits and patterns of behavior. Because they have reached a point where, sure, they've been able to tolerate, accept and engage in it for so long, but then it's reached a point where they've become unhappy. And what that is, if we look at it from like a level of us as an Organism, we've hit that capacity where I know that ants are strong, like little, like Auntie, not like your Aunt Julie or whatever, but like like an aunt. Auntie, like the insect would have been an easier way to say it. But like, I know that they're strong and they can carry. I don't know what the exact unit of measurement is, but whatever times their body weight, we know that they're very strong. You watch them. Like if you put like a Cheerio on the ground, an Ant could probably pick it up and carry it by itself. And we know that they're strong, but they also have a tolerance level of what they're willing to tolerate, engage and accept. And so that's when, like for us as an Organism as well living breathing creature on this earth, we too have a limit that our physical bodies can handle, that our mental functioning and Wellness can handle. And not only that, but like because if we look at things from just a physical standpoint, we say I'm fine, like you feel fine or you can push through it or I've had a cold before or I've had this like skin condition before or whatever. But if we look at it from and then also pausing there for a moment.
So we we are quick to say I'm fine like mentally or physically. But then also, if we look at it mentally, we say, I'm fine as well. You know, I've handled burnout before. I've been stressed before, no big deal. I'm really just fatigued. I'm really tired. And we will push through all these things. We'll push through physical ailments and we'll push through mental and emotional ailments. And then we get to this breaking point where we really feel like we need to make decisions. And this is where I believe a lot of impulsive behavior stems from. You know, when we are in that fight or flight mode, we feel so uncomfortable and so ill equipped to handle the discomfort that we make decisions on a whim. And then often those decisions also feel uncomfortable because they were simply just that and escape from the discomfort that we did not originally know how to deal with, handle, cope with. So it's just an avoidance technique to do an impulsive behavior. So we really have to get comfortable sitting with some of these things and sifting through if we are looking to make changes to support our mental and emotional and physical and spiritual Wellness and connectedness. And not only that, but something we really take for granted is just our quality of life overall. Like, that's what I mean when I say we're saying, yeah, sure, like I've dealt with this illness before. I've dealt with this sore back before. I've like, I can handle colds, I can handle feeling burnt out. But do you want to like, yes, you can handle it as an Organism. We have an immune system. We have different boundary systems in place for our body and our mind to to keep us safe and
to protect us to a certain extent. But do you want to go on like this? Do you want to?
And what's keeping you stuck? What fears are you not facing right now that are keeping you stuck? What are you avoiding right now?
Those are the questions we need to start asking, and being genuinely open and curious about them, so that we can begin to build this awareness of ourselves and build this awareness of our patterns that are not contributing to the quality of life and Wellness and connectedness and love. That we deserve to have an experience, and instead we are staying in the states of anger and tension and resentment, confusion. We're not feeling balanced or grounded. A good way to explain it is maybe you're not feeling like yourself, or maybe you're seeing the same relational dynamic pop up in all kinds of different relationships. Maybe you're feeling really wonderful in one area of your life, is what I mean really wonderful in one area of your life and then experiencing a lot of difficulties in other areas of your life. So those are important things to take note of. So this exercise that I'm talking about is mapping patterns. So pattern mapping of times when you have felt this way in the past. This is a really wonderful way to start this work. So it's a journaling exercise. So you draw out a bunch
of columns as many as you like that seem applicable for you and for your situation and what's going on in your life. And so you can put down,
I try to put down a year. I'm pretty good at keeping track of like what year things happen and some people are like I have no idea what year that was. They all blend together. So even if it's like an age that you were at that time or
a a marker like a milestone that happened like so this will all be in one column. So keeping track of the timeline is 1 column. What's another good way to do the time like, oh, like as in if you put, oh, I was in, this was an infancy and childhood. This was an adolescence. This was when I was in high school, This was when I was in college. This is when I got married. Like those those are good ways to keep track. And it's not as specific as putting the year down. So it's kind of neat because it captures a more broad spectrum of what's gone on for you. So that's the first column, any kind of timeline that makes sense for you. Moving on to its second column, I would say put down what the issue is that you're struggling with, whether it's relationship concerns, whether like I've talked so much on this podcast about like in previous episodes about eating disorder stuff or just how you relate to your body, your body image. Maybe you're putting that down in this second column. Whatever your thing is, like we all have our demons. They say whatever demons it is that you are struggling with, whether you have like this anger piece or maybe it's substance use for you and like you're like here all the times in my life where like I was smoking more often or I was using more often or here all the times when I had a falling out with a friend. So that all of those things like those quote UN demons, whatever it is that you, your patterns are where you tend to struggle or experience a lot of difficulty. Put that in another column beside the timeline. In another column, track your finances. It's really interesting to see because we don't talk about money often unless it's in a negative light, like saying like I don't have enough or have to work really hard. Whatever it is, we all have different relationships with money, so that's not what I'm here to dispute. Maybe you have a really positive and wonderful money mindset and you feel very secure and that's phenomenal. I just want you to go through and look at this timeline, what you've been struggling with in another column,
your money situation over the years, and then in another column, your physical health. What's your physical health been like throughout those different milestones, markers, years? What's your mental health been like? That will be another column. What have your friendships been like? Another column in another column? What about your family life? What about your romantic life? What about your passions and interests and hobbies? And you can add on anything else that's applicable for you. This is a really open exercise. And again, I wanted to bring this up initially because when we talk about relational difficulties, often times it's a pattern that we've held within our life. And just overall, I think it's important for us to look at our different patterns of behavior and triggers in our emotional states because like I said, we are passing this on to generations and generations to come. And I think even now more so with social media and just the amount of access that we have to one another. We are seeing sort of a picture of other people's relational habits or what we think other people's relational habits are and in patterns of behavior. So I think it's really important that if we are having this type of connection with one another through social media or other, just having more means to broadcasting information about ourselves and receiving information about others, we need to get really clear on what our history has been and what our actual goals are and where we want to go. So back to this exercise, I just want to explain the the importance of it and why I love it so much. And I've done this journaling exercise a bunch of times and it depends to you know what I'm going through at that time. Maybe there is one specific issue that I want to focus
on and I'll look at just that. You know, times when I felt like that before had a similar experience to that and just getting really clear on on what's happening there with that pattern. Other things that I thought were neat to add in just like as a side where when I did the exercise, different medications and stuff like I wrote down in a column, You know, was I on birth control at this time? Was I not on birth control at this time? Was I traveling at this time? Was I not traveling? Where did I go in my travels? Was I involved in competitive sport? Different little things you can add into and just track across the lifespan. Because all of our experiences and everything that we are consuming, whether that be media, whether that be medications, food, time with people. Everything that we are consuming and digesting, not just physically, but everything that we consume, has an impact on our learning experiences and in our histories and on how we relate to ourselves and others. So I want to first, before we dive into more specifics of relationships and how to set boundaries effectively and stay grounded and balanced within yourself in the face of feeling triggered by those around you.
I really wanted to explain this exercise first because it's one of my favorites. And if there's one incredible thing you could do for yourself today, go do that. Obviously work with a therapist or counselor, support, whatever you have access to. This is just a really cool selfhelp tool that you can do, and I recommend like pen to paper, drawing out columns because we process information much better when it's on paper like that versus typed on your phone or on a computer or anything. But obviously if you need some sort of adaptive tool, please do that as well. Whatever works best for you. But yeah, I wanted to share this with you because it's something you can start today and it does take a while And there it's neat when you start it because when I had done it for the first time, this journaling exercise I like a few days later kept thinking of things to add to it. I was like, Oh my gosh, and then this happened. Oh, and then this happened and this was so similar to this time. And I'm like because it's so wild how we repeat the patterns. I think I have talked about this on here before because at the time I was, it was work. I was like, how have I ended up with three jobs again? And I'm not in that same boat anymore? Because that's the thing. In looking at my patterns, I've been able to identify what beliefs were keeping me stuck in that mindset of I need to have three jobs, What were the fears holding me in those patterns? And I was able to not overnight but slowly shift through those and genuinely adopt new beliefs, which led to new thoughts, led to new feelings, led to me being able to execute new actions and ways of behaving to support myself without working wild, busy hours, without working six days a week, without working three jobs. Which had been a pattern of behavior for me. And I am so confident in this now that I know that that is not going to be a pattern that repeats in my life because it's it's just so
not aligned with who I am. I don't desire that in any way, shape or form. So that's just an example of when I spoke about this exercise last, how quickly, but also slowly when you're in it. But how quickly things can shift when we take the time to take a look at the ways that were stuck or ways that were showing up that don't feel authentic to us.