In this episode, Victoria shares her story of learning to set boundaries with her parents in adulthood. We also discuss the pain that comes from being passive aggressive when in conflict within romantic relationship - this can cause a sense of disconnect within oneself and within the partnership. We chat all about Victoria's journey to uncovering more about herself and her growth in emotional maturity. I know that you'll be able to relate to this episode and that you'll get so much out of it.
In today's episode, we discuss:
Connect with Victoria:
Instagram: @victoria.metal
Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com
Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.
In this episode, Victoria shares her story of learning to set boundaries with her parents in adulthood. We also discuss the pain that comes from being passive aggressive when in conflict within romantic relationship - this can cause a sense of disconnect within oneself and within the partnership. We chat all about Victoria's journey to uncovering more about herself and her growth in emotional maturity. I know that you'll be able to relate to this episode and that you'll get so much out of it.
In today's episode, we discuss:
Connect with Victoria:
Instagram: @victoria.metal
Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com
Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.
And I told him, I said I no longer feel safe, please turn the car around. I want to go home. And he thought I was getting. And I said absolutely not like I am going home. You are not speaking to me that way. You are not yelling at me that way. And it's it's just not going to happen. things when you are putting up a boundary and your parents are asking you, are you really like telling me that right now? Like Are you sure?
OK, Victoria, welcome to the show. So pumped to have you. And yeah, welcome. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Yeah. OK. So before we get started, can you tell the audience a little bit about you? I also hate that question because it's like what? Where do I start suddenly? Like, we don't know anything about ourselves. So what like gets you out of bed in the morning? What do you do for a living? Tell us about your family. Anything you want to share that's important to you. I love, I love those questions. I am Victoria and I am currently living in North Carolina. I am a music teacher and that is what gets me out of bed in the morning. That's what's gotten me out of bed. Music has been it since middle school. I didn't know like I kind of ran from it, but that this is it. I was afraid that making it a career would be scary, but here I am and I work with upwards of 500 kids K2. 6th grade and I love every minute of it, so I am super pumped about that. I'm also trying to work on the work life balance thing, which works some days and some days it doesn't. Um, so I love to read. I have been a homeowner for a little over a year, so I have my cricket and I love doing crafting and everything.
And I am not from North Carolina. I am very out of my element. I moved down here in 2019 from Long Island, New York. And that was to be near my parents because they were also planning to retire here, as well as my mom's sister. So. That's how I ended up here. Of all places in the world. I am in a little small town in North Carolina. And like, so how are you enjoying it there? How long have you been there? Yeah, because a change like. It's interesting when we move because people talk about moving so often and it's something normal for us to do, but it's huge it like. You're in our environment is everything. Our environment causes, conditions, create, you know what manifests in our life and what recedes in our life based on like, I mean look at plants, you know they're, they're going to sprout if the soil is fertile and if it ain't, they're not sprouting. So how has it been in your new environment or different environment I guess. Well, different is a really good word. I come again. I come from Long Island, New York, and I have always been used to a fast pace of go, go, go. Everybody's got somewhere to be. You know, I was still an hour and a half away from from like, New York City, but it was still this mindset of we got somewhere to be, you better walk faster. Like I'm not holding the door open for you. You're taking too long. And when I arrived down here, I arrived the same day as my aunt and my uncle. The same day that they moved into their house full time was when I was also down here. And it was just kind of fascinating to me that like people were saying hello in the grocery store in the aisles as opposed to like, let's avert eye contact and not look at at anyone and like, getting it out. Like, I don't want to make eye
contact with you. So that was like, it's so strange to say, but like eye contact is something that is completely different. So it's been definitely a whirlwind of a move. I moved down in 2019. And started my job a couple weeks later. And, um, since then we've had COVID. Since then I've had four different schools because my administration wanted me to move all over the place. I changed school districts this year to try to be closer to home. So it definitely has been. I feel like since I moved down here, there's always been. Something. That's happening. And I like, there's never a settled time. And I'm kind of like, OK, like now is the time to settle. Like, please just let yourself settle somehow, someway that that this can like really be your home, as opposed to just like a stopping point along the way, which is what I feel like I've kind of been doing for a long time. It's so interesting that you bring that up, like that sense of feeling unsettled or like. Stopping point or I know I had jobs in the past where I felt like it was a stepping stone. And like people say that to you like ohh, I could tell you're just here as a stepping stone or whatever it is. And we really do as like an Organism seek out that balance. Like we look for homeostasis. We look for like times of excitement and activity and socialization. And then we look for times that are like OK, let's let's chill. Let's come back into balance, into harmony and. Yeah. Can you talk to me a bit about that? Like anything about stress that's come up for you. I'm so interested in like the body mind connection and like because we truck through it like say a like a dog, if they go
through an an acute stressor, they're going to be hyped up like the mailman comes to the door and then they're going to come down and their body is going to find balance again. But we don't, we stay in the hyped up like never settled phase. So what does stress? Look like fruit? It's gonna say like I was like where, where's the come down part? Like I missed, I missed that part that you're talking about. Umm. I had a really not so great experience in my first teaching position. So I was at two different schools, three days a week and two days a week. So it was full time within the same district. And one school was wonderful and one school was not so wonderful. And to put it just just a couple things, you know? Kids were threatening my life while I was trying to teach music, and my principal walked around in a rain jacket because the kids spit on her. So it was really stressful. I only figured out how stressed I was when I left for December break and was with my family and then went back in January and I was just like, I want nothing to do with this. This is horrible, this is awful, this is crazy. And I didn't know that I had anxiety until that point, but there was like a full fledge like episode where I refused to go into the school because I was like, I can't do this anymore. And went to the principal and I said, I'm really sorry, but I'm resigning like right now. Like they potentially could have taken my teaching license. Like that was so much stress and I feel like it's still, it's stayed stressful for years because before I left my principal looked at me and said Are you sure you're really cut out for teaching if you can't handle it here? Oh, and that felt like a shot to the heart because.
At that time I could not see. That it wasn't me. My thought was if my Lesson plan is perfect and if I plan and plan and plan. Eventually it's going to work and these kids are going to fall into line and everything's going to be fine. And that is so not how teaching works. If there's any teachers listening, they know that that's the that's not how it works. Um, so I know. Like that's huge. I think that's important for like, anybody, because also. That's so triggering. Like, you having your principal say that to you because we already think that about ourselves. We're already, by the time you give in your resignation, you've already asked yourself that a billion times. Am I cut out for this? Am I being dramatic? Like we've already gone through every possible scenario. And then somebody says that to you and you're like, Ouch. And it was, it was just I could not control my body at that point. Like, I physically could not get myself out of the car until someone told me there was a substitute in my classroom that day. And that was something I had never experienced before. So the stress of that. Then I took some time off because I really didn't know if I wanted to teach anymore. Took some time off and ended up with a hip injury, a sports injury, while I was trying to make music with children, lift them onto onto the balance beam and all of those things. And I ended up having hip surgery when I was and all of a sudden I have to learn how to walk again like this. Stress never stopped and I felt like when I got down here I was like, OK, we can slow down in North Carolina. Like I came to a really great job, a really wonderful principal, but the stress still didn't stop. Because then COVID hit and then all of a sudden I was just like, well, now I'm down here all by myself and I don't want to go, you know, I don't want to go anywhere else because I don't want
to give anybody COVID, even though I had some family down here, so. Talk about stress. I mean I'm just again, I think about my ride and I know how strong I am for getting through all of those things. But at the same time it's just like can you cut me a break? Just look just a little one, little one is all I'm asking for. Yeah, some of that time to recuperate and can we talk to about, I want to get into authenticity and attachment and I'm always so curious. About relationships and how we relate to others while also being authentic to ourselves. So that attachment piece relating to others and like being truly ourselves and. That comes up in every situation. And then I know to, especially when under stress, like I don't know who you are as a person or what your reaction or response to stress is, but so going through all of that, like if I put myself in your shoes and I went through all that **** I am an avoidant attachment and I would not talk to anybody. I would be like everybody get out my space. Like I'm coming home and watching TV and wearing sweatpants all the time. Like just like work. That sounded horrible. Sounded so stressful. So do you know what your attachment style is in relationships? Whether it be you know, family or other. Honestly, like I'm not quite sure what it is, but I did. I knew something was wrong, like in that situation, I knew that I was really stressed. People were commenting that I was losing weight. Like I was like literally eating mozzarella sticks for dinner every night because I didn't have any more energy to do anything else. Wow. I do remember calling my dad, who was still in New York, and this this job happened in in Maryland was not a North Carolina thing.
And I remember calling him and I said, Dad, I'm literally like looking at this like pile of stuff that's in front of my shelf. But I cannot for the life of me bring myself to stand up and deal with it. And. Looking back, I didn't realize that that was a really big problem at that moment, and that was signaling my anxiety and everything. But I did reach out to my parents and they were aware that, like, life was really, really stressful. I didn't have anyone really close to me physically at that time, which was really hard. I feel like if someone could have just, you know, come over and checked on me once a week or, you know, I didn't have to cook dinner that night, being close to my parents would have been helpful. But at the same time as I've grown up, that relationship has also changed. So it's kind of the flip of the coin at that point. It's so interesting. Like we often take it for granted when we have people close by. Like how you said it would be nice if, like, I didn't have to cook dinner that night. And that is such a beautiful feeling when you come home and like somebody else has prepared a meal and like, they've already cleaned up and it's just like ready to go and there's so much weight lifted off there and we really are such. Communal beings like we need that interdependence. And So what does that look like for you right now?
Um. Well, I guess we kind of have to go back a little bit, go as far back as you want to. You can start from the start. I am definitely independent and potentially codependent with my parents and at the same time it's the last thing that I want to be and it's a very interesting situation to be in. They move. I mean they live 6 minutes down the road for me. So in my new house they lived 6 minutes down the road. Very easy to get there. Um.
Not as easy to stay away when I need my time. And I love them profusely, I really do. But there's some stuff that happened when I was younger in terms of just.
It was a really weird moment that I had a couple of weeks ago when I was talking to my therapist when she actually said like, this is abuse. Verbal and emotional. From my parents and. Ever since that moment, I was like, holy cow. And I've kind of been like, OK, what's going on? And like how did that happen and what does that mean, but. I think the dependence on my parents was because. They weren't always there. There was definitely a point where.
Emotion. Just exchange of words, any kind of communication was withheld from me if I wasn't doing exactly what they were asking of me or what they wanted from me. Um, Oh my God, I have to pause you there for a SEC because. So many people have the same experience as you, so thank you for sharing because it's not talked about enough and like. I wonder too if you going to school when you were younger. Like none of your friends would have known like that that was going on and stuff like that and like it just seemed normal. And like you said your therapist pointed out to you like oh, that wasn't OK, that's, that's not, that's not normal. And like whatever normal is, but I and I've had to point that out to a few clients as well, like this is actually the experience that you have but. We can't see it when we're in it and especially as children we can't see that. So yeah, I I just wanted to thank you for bringing that up because that might inspire other people to like go get therapy or do some reading research of their own or talk to their doctor or anything. Because it's huge and it drives like your everyday behavior, how you talk to yourself and how you talk to other people. Yeah, keep going with your story. You know, I'm at 27 years old and when they first moved down here.
I remember being very excited for them to like, finally come because we've we've dealt with COVID, I've been down here for a year and a half. They were supposed to move down here a lot sooner than they did. And they like, came in the door and I was so happy and I gave them hugs and like everything was great. And then at the end of the night, my dad said to me, he's like, text me when you get home. And I said no. And he's like. What do you mean? No, I was like, I'm years old at this point, and I don't need to text my dad when I get back home to my apartment. I know that you would appreciate that, but we're not starting this right now. Like, we're not starting on that foot. And that was the first time that I actually. Drew any sort of boundary with my parents? And Dad had no idea what to do with that. Like, he's not one to get angry and he didn't get angry, but I think he was just like. Why is that such a big deal to her? Why is that such a big request for her? And at that point I was just kind of like. Hey, I kind of. Kinda liked it when nobody really knew what I was up to. And, you know, granted, I'm not going out and doing crazy things. Like, I'm really not if I'm going, you know, out on out on a date. I'm texting a friend to tell them where I am, like, but it wasn't my parents who had to know everything. And that was like a really big changing moment for me and kind of a moment where I realized, OK. I need to address this because if they are. Telling me this at age 25.
Something happened where they don't potentially trust me. When they raised me from age 0 to. Present tense ohh OK, what do you mean by that? Like where is the missing trust? I don't know. I was a really, you know, I went to school, I did what I needed to do.
I don't necessarily know if it was a missing trust, but I feel like it was a missing like. I get to tell you what to do because I'm your mom and I'm your dad and my best friend. I would love to go to her house because her parents didn't. Breathe down our necks in that way. But she also kind of had the flip side of the coin, which you find out years and years later that she was basically raising herself and raising her two sisters because her parents weren't involved. So there was a there was a lot going on. But talking to my friends in present day, they have told me, they said we knew something was going on at your house with your family, but we didn't know what. So we didn't know how to talk to you. And if we did talk to you, you just thought it was normal. Because you weren't seeing anything else. And that was another big eye opening moment that I was like, oh. You know your mom, if she was mad at you, she still spoke to you and they were like. Yeah, she did. It was like. Oh, see, that's there was three days in there where I didn't get any attention or any love. And. That's what I deal with. Now, and that's what I deal with and I take into other relationships, that was a very long answer to your question. That's such a great answer and like. That's so painful because no one deserves that withholding love. And you know, I have been like that in relationships where even like just on a smaller scale like. Being with somebody and you get in an argument and then you're like, well, I'm not texting
them like I love you and it is hard to work through that passive aggressive. Behavior that we've adopted and it's like people are passive aggressive because they have an unmet need and so we need to learn to one. Like they can't even communicate the need because they don't even know what it is because we're so disconnected. So it's not like you can just say, oh, like why don't you just vocalize your needs and like talk to this person, tell them how you feel and what you want from this situation. It's a genuine like. It's child like behavior. Like it's that inner child piece not acting from an adult. So in a sense when you were parented and like there was something like sort of some sort of attention conflict, it was like a child managing a child and that's so painful and harmful. And it still will spill into relationships today that I have, which is also something very recently that I've had to navigate, that, you know, my boyfriend knows, knows all about this stuff. And he's super, super wonderful and very supportive, which I really, really appreciate. But there was one day where he, he didn't want to worry me. And now I understand where he's coming from. But he didn't want to worry me because he didn't go to school, he wasn't feeling well. He didn't go to college. OK.
I wasn't told. And he didn't tell me because he was trying to protect my feelings. But all of a sudden I was in Oh my gosh, I'm like a 7 year old child. Nobody's telling me anything. I'm in trouble. Somebody hates me. Like I have to grovel at the feet of this person because I I can't handle if they don't speak to me for three days. And that's what happens in this situation that you like with information is withheld from me, love is withheld from me, and I need to work. My **** off for three days in order to be worthy of this person to talk to me again. And I went into like complete meltdown mode. And I it was, it was really horrible. And I had to go back and analyze and say, why was that my reaction? Why did that hurt so bad and why was that so scary? And. I'm 27 years old, you know. So it definitely influences the relationships that I have still and just the interactions that I have with with the people in my life. And really, you know, I've always wanted to be a mom and this kind of freaks me out. I don't really know. Of what to do to not make you to not mess up my kids? And that scares me. Yeah, 100% I think, OK. And I want to circle back to the parenting. But what I notice, like when you're talking, is you have done so much work and like all the tough mental health stuff to open up wounds and like healing certain things. And do you have like 3 tips that you can give to someone who's struggling with this? And I've been thinking of like when you set that boundary at 25 with your dad, I'm like, no thank you. I won't. I'm not going to message you when I get home. Like what has been. Yeah, maybe three things or whatever you can think of that somebody else in that 2325 year old version of you could have benefited from knowing what you know now because you know a lot. So and you put it into practice like, and I appreciate that it has taken a lot of work with the therapist to kind of realize what I've gone through and what I'm capable of and
that I can have those boundaries.
For me I I. I wish that I had had boundaries before they arrived here. I wish that I knew what my expectations were before they had made their trip down to North Carolina. Because if I had known that, I think it would have been much easier to create boundaries that were specific and keep them, because I knew before they were even in the picture. Um, I also have. Decided to remove myself from certain situations that I know are trigger points for myself and my parents. For example, dad is always late, mom always wants to be on time, and we were all going to the same place to meet the rest of the family. But. Dad was getting overwhelmed because Mom was yelling and you know, it wasn't. It wasn't a really great situation to walk into, but it's not something I wasn't unfamiliar with. And. In the car. My dad took it out on me. All of a sudden we were yelling at me again at 27 years old. And I told him, I said I no longer feel safe, please turn the car around. I want to go home. And he thought I was getting. And I said absolutely not like I am going home. You are not speaking to me that way. You are not yelling at me that way. And it's it's just not going to happen. And that was one of the hardest things when you are putting up a boundary and your parents are asking you, are you really like telling me that right now? Like Are you sure? My my mom's in the back saying. No, she doesn't mean that. Like, we we just need to go to lunch. And I was like, no, I do mean that. That is my boundary. You have now crossed it. It's time for me to back up because I'm not OK with this. Oh my
God that takes such an incredible amount of strength to do that and to know what that is and especially when you're being like checked in on or like tested. Like, Are you sure? Because we could eat like just as equally easily crawl back into our whole and be like no, like, it's fine, don't worry about it. Like we will get over it. Let's just go to lunch or and then you can go into your avoidance, passive aggressive mode and be like fine, whatever. Like let's just drive. Just drive. It's just drive. It'll be fine. We'll stay for an hour. Like you could have done that and that would be easier I'm assuming. But you didn't like dial.
With those like when you learn about boundaries, it's so. It's so amazing because I knew if I would continue on and I was going to lunch. I knew that everybody was still going to be angry. I knew everybody was still going to be ******. I knew that I was still going to be upset. I was going to sit there and Stew. And we've got a whole half of family who's just like, hey, everything's great. We've got family visiting from here and here. And I, you know, I didn't need to sit there with my arms crossed the whole time. It was not my fault that I was, you know, put into this move. I didn't show up with the mood. I, you know, was talked to in such a way that was not acceptable to me. And I don't know what my parents told the rest of the family. I was supposed to be there. I don't know what they told them, probably not. The truth, honestly is, you know, kind of what I'm going with, but. It felt really good to be able to do that. And there was an apology involved, you know, there was an apology later that day, which I appreciated, but I also set the boundary of I'm not doing that again. If we have to go and we're both going in the same place, I'm taking my own car because I'm not putting myself in that situation because this is a situation that's been going on since as long as I can remember, since I was like 5 years old, that we have to get, you know? To see when we have to get in the car because Dad can't put his shoes on fast enough. So at 27 I'm not doing it anymore. That's so incredible. And you are literally so like when people do that inner child work and they like, they go back and they try and find out like what did I need at that younger age? You're literally giving that to yourself, which is so cool because when you're 5, you can't say, well you can, but it's probably not going to. You're not going to be honored in that always of when if you say turn the car around. You know, maybe, maybe some parents will be, you know, secure enough to maybe even pull over, have that conversation with their child. If a 5 year old asked for that, chances are you're going to lunch and
so you're really giving yourself that freedom that you didn't have before. And it's interesting, there's this kind of quote saying liberation through limitation and I just love that and I use it for myself in setting like time boundaries with my work schedule of planning out like. It looks like if you don't block time off, you have more free time, but then you really just like putter away and do the dishes. But if I really schedule off like this amount of time for podcasting, this amount of time to write a blog, whatever it is, then I know when my free time is and I experience liberation through limiting my schedule. And then same thing for you like. Putting those limits on the capacity that you feel capable of holding and that you want to hold in your life and you're really freeing yourself through that. And what is another like goal you're working toward right now because that's such phenomenal work. So where are you headed now? Like, what are your next steps with this? Yeah. I definitely have figured out how to set the boundaries with my parents. The work that I am doing and will now continue to do involves those trauma responses with other people. Because there can be really big trauma responses from me. For the example with my boyfriend, like I was distraught, like I did not know what to do. I was. And he was like, I don't understand why this is such a big deal when I could figure out and actually explain it to him. He was very understanding and I appreciate that. So much about him is that he gives me that space to actually talk, and I don't feel like I have to walk on egg shells because if I did something
wrong. When I was younger or if I did something that they didn't like. It meant that. I was not being spoken to for days at a time. Umm. And that's hard. Like, that's hard to think about when you're an adult. To say like this really happened to me. And I have an older sister who, you know, went through the same thing. We were not friends when we were younger. We didn't know that we could, you know, sit down and talk about this with each other because we were just at each other's throats full time. But. Having grown up and now that we're able to talk about it with each other. You know, we've made very different choices on how to handle that trauma that we've been through and how to handle our trauma responses. She has not talked to my parents in 2 1/2 years. I moved 6 minutes down the road. So her avoidance? You know, attachment style, my attachment attachment style and I I kept asking myself, I was like why do I want to be down here so bad? I'm like, well, this is all you've known. This is all that you've known. Ohh down here. Of course that's so interesting. Just. The two different responses to similar conditions in that sense and. I think it's really beautiful, like in your relationship how you have the space for and the option to explore your own growth in a secure kind of container for that. And that's huge, I think. And it takes, it takes 2 to tango. Like I'm sure there are things that you hold space for your partner even though like maybe maybe he's rock solid
at times and maybe you hold space for him and that's a neat way to grow like in partnership together. I think that's incredible. And so with your sister, that's so she set a rigid boundary of we're not connected at all. And for you it's interesting because your boundaries were a little bit more porous. But now you're in. See this is what's in and this is literally why I want to start. This podcast is like how do we. Do that, do what you're doing, not be completely disconnected and set that rigid boundary and not be like you said. Group. What's the word? Groveling at the feet of your mother being like, I didn't mean to say that. Like, please forgive me. Like, are you OK? How are you feeling? I'm just checking in. Like, are you mad at me? How do we? Those are two different, completely different extremes. So you have this beautiful example of. These boundaries and I don't know what to call it in the middle. Brings the sweet spot like it is the sweet spot between 2 extremes. And yeah, what does it feel like being there for you and are there any final Nuggets of wisdom you wanna say on that? I think that every day is still. A day to learn with myself and my parents in that relationship. There's things that we've come across that I feel are really, really triggering and they can't understand why. There's also things that we can talk about super in depth, and I trust them with every single thing that I'm telling them and I want their advice and I value what they say. So it's definitely, it's been
a big old ride but. Um. If I were to say to anyone who's having some sort of. Issue or you're not talking to somebody, or there's just something going on in a relationship, whether it be with your family or your friends or whatever like. You need to figure out what feels good for you, and you need to surround yourself with people who make you feel good. One of those people that I have is my sister. Now we can we can bond and understand. What went on when we were little, because we're older now and we can speak about it. I think having. Your boundaries and knowing exactly where they are before they get tested is really important, and I wish that I had learned that just a little bit sooner because it could have avoided some of the things that I had to go through, but. It's a push and a pull. And the other person will push and they will pull and it will not be comfortable. But you have to decide. How much is too much or how much is just enough? Because relationships are not going to be perfect no matter what. Like whether they're on the extreme or not, they're not going to be perfect. But setting those boundaries of this is what I expect, and this is how I expect to be treated. And if this happens, this is what I'm going to do in response. Thinking about those things. We'll just be really helpful when the time comes, because the time probably will come eventually in some form or another. That's huge. Being proactive so that you can respond and not react like you said, that trauma response to different
situations. But I think or something that I thought of earlier when you were talking about how your partner like holds space for you to have that like distraught trauma responses. Yeah. For anyone who is on like the receiving end of that to be mindful of, you know what your person has gone through is is huge. And so, yeah, thank you for all the beautiful advice. I think that's so incredible. Just. We need to be more proactive. I know even with like people go into dating in a rush and like don't know what their red flags are, what kind of boundaries, etcetera. Like how often do you want to spend time together? And that could be very triggering because before you know it, you're you're in something you're like, Oh my God.
So beforehand, like figuring out what you need, even like if it's Christmas dinner or like whatever holidays people celebrate. Figuring out boundaries before specific situations can be so effective. Where can people connect with you? Can they? Do you have a podcast? Tell us everything. I don't currently have a podcast, but I am considering creating a podcast about this subject actually, because I think a lot of people go through these things and don't really know kind of where to turn. Now. I'm not certified in any way, shape or form. I'm just, I'm just a victim and an advocate at this point. But to reach out to me it is Vic. Got metal on Instagram is where I can be found. And if any listeners have, you know, any questions or want to share any situation that they're in, I am more more than happy to listen because I know that it can also really help to have someone who understands and knows what it feels like to go through tough situations like this. Hmm. So good. That's perfect. I'll link you in the show notes. And that's funny. I thought that I was like, oh, I bet she's starting a podcast about, like, teaching music and stuff. But no, that's so much better. And lived experience is phenomenal. Like, people want to know that they're not alone and having experienced that and continuing to experience that and something. Yeah, like, I hear that often. Like, just even people. Living in close proximity to parents that they've had tumultuous relationships with. So I think that your story will like be so great in a podcast to be shared with people. And yeah, I wish you the best of luck. Thank you. Thank you.