In today's episode we talk about wtf self-love actually is and how to start practicing it - also we chat a little bit about Love is Blind season 3 reunion FYI potential spoiler around 28:00 minutes - 29:00 minutes. Meet yourself exactly where you are right now, in this moment - stop pushing, pulling, resisting, and trying. Start flowing, releasing, and living.
This Episodes Themes:
Quote of the day: "Be patient with yourself, nothing in nature blooms all year."
CONNECT WITH LAURA for all things self-compassion
Instagram - Laura @theself set
Podcast - The Self Set Podcast
CONNECT WITH ANDREA for all things health and fertility
Instagram - @ahensrud & @her.infertile.myrtle
Podcast - Diagnosis: Infertility
Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com
Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.
In today's episode we talk about wtf self-love actually is and how to start practicing it - also we chat a little bit about Love is Blind season 3 reunion FYI potential spoiler around 28:00 minutes - 29:00 minutes. Meet yourself exactly where you are right now, in this moment - stop pushing, pulling, resisting, and trying. Start flowing, releasing, and living.
This Episodes Themes:
Quote of the day: "Be patient with yourself, nothing in nature blooms all year."
CONNECT WITH LAURA for all things self-compassion
Instagram - Laura @theself set
Podcast - The Self Set Podcast
CONNECT WITH ANDREA for all things health and fertility
Instagram - @ahensrud & @her.infertile.myrtle
Podcast - Diagnosis: Infertility
Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com
Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.
Sweet. Well, Laura, welcome to the Better Boundaries podcast. I'm really excited to chat tonight. Hi, bria. Thank you so much for having me. Super excited to talk to you. Yeah, OK. So I'm curious. All I know about you is like from what I've seen on your Instagram and on your website, which is beautiful by the way. So can you give me and the audience like a background on you? It's a very vague question. That would be kind of broad. Well, my name is Laura and I am the host of the Self Set podcast and I also share real honest stuff about my life on on Instagram at the self set. But really I love just talking about self compassion and really help like talking, having ways that we can be kinder to ourselves because I'm definitely someone who struggled with insecurities for years and still continue to. So I really love taking people with me on that journey of like. Breaking down those insecurities and learning to love myself overtime, you know going from that like shy kid, quiet girl that I've always kind of been known as to. Yeah. Like like as a cliche as it sounds. Finding myself finding my voice and yeah just each day like gain more and more comfortable in my own skin. And it's just been this a wild ride. Be like actually sharing connect you with some other people who also are in that similar boat. And it's just something I love to do. I love that so much. I think that's so cool. And like what a neat message of, like, I'm using my own experience to connect with other people. So I'm curious if there's anything in particular, like in your past and upbringing that's been like a specific focus for you where you're like, I don't feel confident in this area. And then also, yeah, can you talk a bit about? Self compassion and how you. How you start even start with that. Absolutely. Yeah, it's it's tricky because it shows up in different areas for me. I think other people might who who are listening could understand like there's definitely there's like the body image type of concerns that a lot of us struggle with. But then also on like a personal level of like you know being really concerned what other people think of us. That's something that I think
I really struggled with especially being labeled as the quiet kid, the shy girl growing up is that this is sort of that that label really like with something that. But people gave to me and that I internalized like ohh, that's what I'm seeing as is a quiet kid, a shy girl. And I like held on to that. I think I I think I only saw myself as that. And I, as someone else who might be listening to this too, got really into personal development, self help, self improvement as that. Like OK, This will fix me. Like if I start, if I do this self-help stuff, then I won't be a shy girl anymore and I'll be super Uber confident and like as I got and I, you know, I believed that. And I I was noticing through high school and into college, I was in that like mindset. Like OK, I just need to follow all this advice and then I'll be completely confident. And of course that didn't just naturally happen. And because of that, I think it even made me experience even more shame of like ohh, I'd people are making it seem like, oh, I just got to love myself, that's all. And since I'm not able to do that so easily, then there must be something wrong with me that I am. I get to get just further made me believe like oh, I am the shy girl I must be. It's like so and all the things that go with it. I'm antisocial. I'm boring, yeah. And all of these beliefs I had about myself. And of course, in college, I think it got even more like it got a little worse in a way because I was around new friends I had who loved to party. And, you know, we're very social and outgoing. And I was spending time with them in these big group settings. And I would always be the the shy girl. Still, I was still that wallflower and little, little quieter at the parties. And it was, it was so tricky. And I only just blamed myself. Or, you know, I was thinking, oh, I'm still continuing to be the shy girl. That I'm not this person that I thought my head I would be by now. And there was just some moment in high school, that or in college and where I was like, like I. It's there. There was just a moment where I think something hit
me where I was like, maybe this isn't the approach. Maybe it's OK that I'm not like that person that I thought I would be by now. And it was just that the maybe it's just this like OK, maybe this is where I'm at. Let me like approach myself where I am right here right now. Not the high school, middle school me that was labeled a shy girl, but also not this Uber confident person that I'm not quite yet. Let me meet myself exactly where I am right now and see, you know, what's going on here. And that is definitely like, what's the first step that I took to really learn to be compassionate with myself of like, just me and myself, exactly where I was, just being aware of that, aware of like what was going on. And if anything, that was that first step to be like, OK, what can I do to start being a little kinder to myself? And that's just, yeah, that's where it all started really. Thank you for sharing all that and that like I love your energy as you go through this story of your past because it's like. You're telling the story of this shy person and all I see is like a beautiful confident woman. I'm just like so mind blowing. And yeah, that's something that irks me too. Is like the labels we give to especially children in that regard, like and and there's no harm meant by it, obviously. Like that's how you know most most traumas happen is like it's the little things where you know. Your parents or whoever you were with didn't mean to say like, ohh. She's just shy. Like, you know, don't worry, like cats got your tongue. Like people don't mean any harm by it. But it does so much when we as children take on and internalize those labels and then play it out and and, you know, that becomes our identity and our way of being in
the world. And I can't imagine what it's been like for you breaking out of that shell. And when you had said, like, meeting yourself where you're at, my whole body got calm for a second because. But so my first instinct was like, Oh yeah, yeah, I know that. I know where I'm at. And then I was like, oh **** I don't. And then I thought, like, calm. And I was like, ooh, that'd be so nice to, like, meet myself where I'm at because my mind is always like 1,000,000 miles in the future, so. Are you able to stick with that, like in your daily life? How do you practice that now? I'm sure it's grown being able to meet yourself where you're at and and work in that sense, absolutely. Yeah, it's definitely like, it's it's a hard process because I think naturally our brains will go either to the past of what we've been kind of wiring in our own brains and the labels people have been giving us, or we go thinking ahead to the future of like, oh, this is uncomfortable. Let me just aim for that future version of myself. Which, nothing wrong with that. But, you know, it's so uncomfortable to be like, OK, where I am right here, present, let me look at all the good and the bad. Yeah, I I think there's one quote that I held on to that that even to this day, when I have my bad days, when I notice that I'm not really acknowledging how I'm feeling right now, I'll remember the quote. Be patient with yourself. Nothing in nature blooms all year. And that's definitely like, yeah, because that's the sort of thing with any of this of learning to be kind to yourself, of learning to love yourself, is that it's not just a steady, linear process. And it's so tricky when we're trying to become confident, more confident versions of ourselves. When we have those days where it feels like we've kind of fell back, fell back into past thinking, it almost feels like a failure. So a quote like that, like be patient with yourself, nothing in nature blooms all year. Is that reminder of like, OK, no, this is expected. Here's where I am. That's how I'm feeling. It's
OK that I'm feeling this way doesn't mean I'm failing. Yeah, that's definitely been the biggest thing that I continue to remind myself every time of, like, OK, I'm going to have the bad, uncomfortable days, the bad days, and it doesn't mean anything about who I am right now or who I'm becoming. I love that. It's so interesting. Like I have this book right beside me. It's called no death, No Fear by tick, not Han. I probably butchered that, but I think like I've heard other people say, I think that's what it's like. But anyway, in the first like couple pages of the book, he speaks of walking by this tree and I can't remember what kind of tree was like something with like flower blossoms on it and just. Like how it has to do with the causes and conditions, whether something is going to manifest or if it's going to recede. And like that's just, that's how things happen sometimes. Like when the weather is warm and sunny and like the conditions are great and, you know, the person taking care of it has been watering it and giving it attention and love and energy. Then it's going to like flourish. And then sometimes when there's like winter or whatever, it's just going to recede, but like it will come back and. You think that we think we lose these things or we aren't making progress. So I love, I love, love love that quote that you share because I think that's that's the freaking truth. Can you talk? Look, what do you do for work? Yeah, I kind of funny. A couple years ago I started a job working for a company called Big Life Journal that creates growth mindset, guided journals for kids and teens. Yeah, I work out like a partnership manager and project manager. So yeah, I I love it. It was sort of thing that like finding a job that was so in line with these type of topics that I already care about was just the
absolute best. And I don't think it would have. I would have landed that job if it wasn't for me starting. Yourself said like Instagram, where I'm actively like sharing my story and getting comfortable putting myself out there and getting comfortable like and showing like, hey, these are topics I really care about and. Yeah, it's been so that's been absolutely great. Just continuing being able to work for a company like that I really enjoy and continuing to still have kind of a platform where I can just share my own story just as I go connect with other people experiencing same stuff I'm experiencing as if your work is aligned. That's so cool. Yeah. I literally have like a journal entries like when I first got the job, like I've never found a job that felt this aligned like from a topic perspective and a work perspective like I you know. In marketing and PR nerd. So like I love the type of stuff of like building partnerships or you know like working on these like promoting these projects and stuff. It's really cool. OK, neat. And then yeah, talk about for you what self love and self compassion are and do you see them as different and yeah, like how would you define that? Um. That's a good question because that is tricky because I think there's a lot of I think a lot of us are fed that little bit of like ohh self love, just love yourself and just super easy like that. And of course like we talked about like it's not that easy like you can't just flip on a switch and love yourself. Especially like you know when you have so much of labels that were given to you or your own like brain wiring. You know all the type of ways that you're. You've had certain thought patterns really cemented in your brain. It's so tricky to get through that process of loving yourself. But I think it starts from that base level of self compassion and with self compassion it's really like we talked about meeting yourself where you are and finding ways to really. Like really be
able to like, lean into the things that you do like about yourself or that you could like about yourself. And then also being like giving space for the the parts of yourself that have been difficult for you to to like, difficult for you to appreciate and. It yeah it's of course a very it's almost a it sounds it's one of those things that sounds so easy but such a tricky ongoing process. But it starts with that little bit of just finding those little ways to be kind yourself finding weight reasons to be proud of yourself if that's been something that's been really difficult for you and. Yeah, it's it's not so easy. It's just oh self compassion, self love. But it's definitely just like when you say all that it makes me think of. Like we have such this. For lack of a better word, culture right now and nowadays, where? People only feel valuable if they are being productive and working and doing. Like we have that masculine energy that has like taken over. Like all of the doing and the hustling and the grinding and like in my therapy practice, like I work with some young people who are like, I literally can't relax my body either. Like my body is tense and even if. And I think we all experience this to it. And not just like young people, but like just everyone. I think you go to sit on the couch and you can barely turn your brain off. Even when you tell yourself like this is my time, this is my self-care time. Like I get I deserve this, I I get to have this. We still on some level don't believe that. Like we don't feel like we're worthy of that if we're not being productive or like taking something off of our To Do List. So I'm curious like your experience with that and then. Any like advice you would have for people if they find themselves struggling
with that like? I need to be productive in order to love myself, and I'm not valuable if I'm not. Contributing at this moment. Yeah. Oh, it's so tricky. I think it really falls back into the I've heard of like the not good enough trap. I think that shows up in other place like not being productive enough. Not being further along in my career enough, not being you know all these things. And yeah the guilt that's in there that there's a lot of this shame of like where you're how you should be. But you know like I talked about in my story of like I've I've always been the shy girl and I should be outgoing that I'm being you know, I'm not outgoing enough and as you just talked about that. The culture of like, oh, I'm not productive enough, I'm not doing enough. I should be doing more. I should be more productive. And it's so, it's so tricky. I think, like of course the first thing to do is of course being aware of that, of like OK, what sort of expectation am I setting for myself or that someone else setting on me? Like where is this coming from? Like being able to like, like, I think able to really reflect on that, I think is the first thing. I think to even process any sort of thinking, you got to understand the root of it. And I think you just touched on it if it is. Like, I'm not being productive enough. I think it's understanding. OK, it was that set by your parents. Were your parents always, like, super, you know, staying busy all the time? That's definitely how my parents were, too. Like, they were always constantly, like what? We're doing something where they're working or had projects around the house. And yeah, like, no, there was never times to just sit, you know, never times to just, like, scroll or anything. It was always OK, gotta be up and doing something. And of course, growing up got older. Like, for me, I was in the same spot, like, oh, I'm not doing enough and you need to stay busy. They can't just sit here. And yeah, I think once you like, we find out like we're able to sit down and like understand where our reason came from, then it's kind of like, OK, do I need to hold on to this reason, like hold on to this expectation, like what does
feel right like? And that's of course tricky because especially if you do, there are certain things that you do believe maybe like you've been taught so much that or a successful person is a productive person. It's like how to undo that thinking of course is really tricky, but maybe it. There and they could be different for everyone, but. Maybe it could be just like, OK, maybe let me think of the other reasons for me. My like to redefine what success would mean for me or what productivity would mean for me in a way that it's actually approachable for myself. And in a in a way that helps still be proud of myself without that shame. Like what? In a perfect world, what would that look like? You know, like what would feel like I'm being accomplished, but I'm also have that downtime for myself. Well, you know, like, I think that's opening up that like space of like. What this could look like, even if it feels off or feels like different than what you're used to like, I don't. I think that is like a good starting point to actually start working there. Like, OK, wait, maybe this is possible for, right? Like I can let go of this shame around not being productive enough. Yeah, I love that. I love that you talk about the shoulds and like just taking a moment to reevaluate what success and and whatever that standard is. Looks like individually because. I guess when you say you're like I should be more outgoing like and that's maybe you're not outwardly saying that but it's still the narrative and like feeling that's going on in your head and your body. So like I can imagine you like going out with friends or something. And like having that thought of like I should be more going. I should be more of going to the point where like it consumes you and you like missed the conversation happening because you're like trying to figure out something to say in the conversation and you know I'm. Like that too. I've spent this time trying to. I guess relax.
But there's a really big part of me like I actually enjoy is something I've realized I've actually I actually enjoy creating like, I really love podcasting. I really like. Writing. I love writing. Like just creating long form content type of deal. Not necessarily like Instagram, social media creating, but yeah, writing, podcasting, blogging, all that good stuff. And I like doing that on the weekends with a coffee. I find it very relaxing. But part of me has been saying to myself, like, no, you should use your weekends to relax. Because like, that's what people do and it's bad to be a workaholic. And I'm like, that's us. They're like an outlet for me. So it's like does take that grappling. And you know, I've worked with clients who like have become a parent recently and I feel like a lot of people who are new parents could relate to. Becoming a parent and then holding yourself to the standard of like, I should be like my old version of yours myself and it's like you can't literally can't because you have a being the same for anyone if they switch jobs and all that new stuff. So yeah, I love that you say like. Shoulds. What are your shoulds? And like, reevaluating those? Because we all struggle with that and we don't realize that it's still like floating through your head and your body all the time. And I think. Do you have any like final little Nuggets of gold information before we wrap up? Well, I guess with what you just said with that, should I have a I work with a life coach and she always says stop shooting on yourself. It is like, because I think, I think like psychologically, I think when we tell ourselves, ohh, we should be this sort of thing. Our brain is going to look for all the reasons why we're not sort of thing like, there's this when it comes to any of this, or being kind to yourself or learning to kind of undo that sort of thinking
pattern through the psychology term called confirmation bias. And it's the concept that our our brains are wired to look for evidence to support our beliefs. So when you talk about that **** like, oh, I should be doing this, you know you're believing that you're not. Doing that and then of course you're looking for all the evidence that that you're that you're not like in the in the case of yeah I'm I should be more outgoing than I'm not outgoing I'm being too shy all this of course I'm believing that my brain's like looking at all those times that like that was a little little quiet or that I yeah all these other the times I was offered the times that I was uncomfortable and it's just like fulfilling that like in my head of like ohh then man I am such a shy kid. I'm such a quiet person. And of course, like that is so difficult to to know, to realize that, like that's the way our brains are. You know why we why it's so hard to undo these thoughts? It's because they get so wired and our brains can find so much evidence. But this opens the door to like. OK, wait. Like if then maybe to believe new thoughts we just have to question those original beliefs like oh, I'm, I'm you know like what it like. I like to ask myself what if it's not true? Like with maybe with this should like the you know what if I what if I am? Like, it's like yeah what if I am am successful or something like that or like what if I am good enough or something like that. Let me act like what if let me and then that opens the door like OK, let me find evidence that I am. Successful. I am doing well and all these other things. And like it takes time to of course get that kind of automatic rooted in your brain of all the evidence to support these new beliefs. But it's possible like and that's definitely what gets you actually moving to believe new things about yourself and to actually have that real self love of actually like undoing the type type of path thinking that you that has held you back from really liking who you are. Oh my gosh, my brain just exploded.
And because it's so interesting when you question, what if this isn't true? Or what if I am like something else, like kind of flip it on its head? Because, and I don't think we take enough time to question these things. And like I am constantly in my head, like I love like playing around in there, like asking questions and that's a really good one. And what it did for me, like I thought of one thing that's like been bugging me and then I flipped it when you said that. And immediately like that confirmation bias kicked in of searching for the the times like in the past, that I have been able to like do that behavior. So that's really cool because then you look for the evidence of like, oh, I actually like, I have experience with this. And then we take it a step further and it's like, what's going on right now? If I've been able to do this in the past, what's going on in my life right now, going back to that like Cherry Blossom tree or whatever, what are the causes and conditions that are not allowing me to be able to engage in that behavior at this moment? And like, that's where I feel like people can make change. Like if you look at if someone's like struggling with low motivation or something, like think like flipping that on their head, what if I was motivated and then you think of all the times you were motivated. And then you're like, OK, what's happening in my life right now that I'm not? So that's freaking. That's gold. That's such a good question. Like, what if this weren't true? We just, we don't take the time for that. It's it's insane. We're like so wrapped up in this tunnel vision. So thank you for sharing that. It's amazing. Absolutely. Yeah, I was in, I remember being in therapy for the first time. Like, when was this 2017? Actually, it was the first time I actually went to therapy. And I remember my therapist saying something around along the fact the
lines of thoughts aren't facts. And of course it's like, that sounds like, ohh yeah, thoughts aren't facts. But there's so many times that we do actively believe the things that go through our heads, these assumptions we make about ourselves or about other our lives. And it's like, yeah, this idea of like, oh wait, I can question this and I can like just because I'm thinking it and just because my brain's automatically finding negative evidence, you know, to support this doesn't make it true. And it's like, I think opening that door up, like, OK, wait, we can think of new thoughts just completely changes everything. Love that. Ohh. Thoughts aren't facts. It's so damn true. And there was like, do you watch love is blind? Yeah. OK have you seen the newest season? OK, so like, I don't want to spoil it for anybody, but like at the reunion there was a story told. And someone strongly believed like that this is the way it was. And the other person in the couple didn't believe that that's how it went. And then they showed the recording of the clip and it was not the way it had been described. So I just like that to me was like how wrapped up we are in our ego and how we do believe. The things that our brain is telling us. But then when you, if you zoom out and look at the full big picture like like they got to on like the recording, it might not actually be intended that way. I think especially like relationally like looking at that. It's like when are we defensive with people? When do we snap at people, when do we like take something personally because it was our own insecurities and then we took their words, believed our thoughts about it. And then like completely internalized it and it just like blew up versus like looking at it from a wide view lens of like, no what? Like, that might not actually
be the case. So no, I love that. So damn true. Yeah. No, seriously. Because that's that's such a good example, I think. Yeah, I think that the woman who was telling that story incorrectly and inaccurately was kind of looking at it in like the lens of like her own insecure thinking like you just said. And of course it like in her brain, it probably got like. Warped of like, ohh, this was so negative and this was evidence to further support this these beliefs I felt about myself for. Yeah. I was offended for her at first. Yeah. And then it's like. Yeah. Like, I think it's it's so tricky because then yeah. Like you flip it to the actually seeing things for how they actually are and it's actually not as negative or as the way that you, the the negative part of you sees it. Yeah. Oh, reality TV. Well, thank you for doing this. This has been so freaking good. So refreshing. Can you tell people how they can follow you, get more of you and your podcast and everything? Absolutely. Yeah. You can find me on Instagram at the self set and you can buy me on any podcast platform with Self Set podcast. Love it. OK. Thank you so much. I'm going to link you in the show notes. And yeah, I hope that people go check you out because that's amazing. Thank you so much.
Amazing. OK, Andrea, welcome to the Better Boundaries Podcast. It's good to have you back. Thank you. Yeah, it's fun to be back. I'm so pumped to chat about this topic that we kind of came up with of like not pouring from an empty cup. Yeah, I am totally someone who did this, does this. And like I see so many people around me doing it, so many clients, friends, family. So before we dive in, can you tell folks a little bit about you? Just like background, what you do, what lights you up? Yeah, I am a health and life coach. I my niche is infertility, so I love chatting with women about the trauma of infertility and really normalizing the trauma of infertility so that is. That's kind of my tagline along with you can't pour from an empty cup. So I have a business, it's a one-on-one coaching business and there's like a few online products. My business is called her health and empowerment and reproduction. So I just go by her and that's what I do is I essentially. Help you figure out how to fill your cup. And like what fills your cup and then giving you the tips, tools and strategy in order to fill your cup. Right. That's so good. And I love that it's called her. Like, that's honestly so beautiful. And it just like, summarizes all of it. It's funny because I also have a friend who has a company called her, but it's her extension room. She was also on the
podcast, but I love it. And yours is awesome too. I love that. It's so beautiful and I love what you do. So, ah, can you talk a little bit, maybe from your own experience first, as opposed to and then we can dive into like working with clients, but how do you fill your own cup? And I just feel like there's so much guilt that comes with it is the thing. And like people, people feel bad for taking time for themselves. And like I am a single woman and I often feel bad like I need. A lot of the long time and like, yeah, like, I don't have kids or husband, I do have a boyfriend and it's like when I'm taking time to myself and whatnot, I feel very guilty for it. Even if it's like business or work related. There's just something where we feel like I'm not entitled to this, even though it makes me feel really good and even though I can give back to my relationships and everything when I'm better, but we operate on like half full. We do sometimes empty, sometimes half full. We we generally. Do operate. Like that, for sure. And I think guilt. Guilt is such a big thing that I coach through and talk with and with guilt comes. You know the shame too, like you said that I am not. I don't know exact words you said, but like I am not worthy of this time. Like I don't deserve to spend time, money, whatever resource it is on me. So OK. For me, well, first of all, I have to tell you, there's another side you can feel not guilty and spend time on yourself. Because I'm there. I come coming from the other side, which is amazing to say. But for me, when I realized
that I was pouring from an empty cup, would be. Like you can still be very successful and you can still like pour out pro, pro out, but when you know it's empty is when at the end of the day it didn't matter what you did, you feel empty inside. Like it feels like what did I actually get accomplished today or. Maybe you pick apart the negatives of the day versus the positive positives of the day. And when I was empty, that was very much what I was experiencing was that. Like I would come home to my family and I'd have nothing left. Like I was irritable, anxious, like urgent about everything, and I could still pour into them, but the pouring wasn't my best self, and the pouring was maybe a little bit less, but then I at the end of the day was left. Depleted. So when I say you can't pour from an empty cup, that I mean, I guess that's untrue because you can still part out but you can't be satisfied. And I don't think happy and content with an empty cup and you, I have someone that I'm working with right now. Who that is? A mindset that she is not even ready to. Take on so this might be making some of you uncomfortable because you're so used. To pouring, pouring, doing, doing that, that's like a badge of honor for you. And that's OK if that's where you're at, but just know there's a different. Perception that. I can almost guarantee we'll leave you feeling more fulfilled and the people around you more fulfilled, but a lot of times you're not ready to understand that, so. Anyway, this woman that I'm working with is experiencing that right now where she she can't even get out of the other side of like learning how to
like, pour into her because the guilt is so freaking strong and. As I as I got a taste of it. Because, you know, we're a zero and a 60. Society where we just want, you know, and a lot of us are millennials and just like want things to happen and that's not how it works. So when I started to pour into my cup, it was like just little things. And for me it's working out. I because I am a high intense person, I have high intense energy and I love to get that out in the gym. That's like my favorite jam. That doesn't have to be anyone else's jam. I'm just telling you my experience, so. I started. Once a week. And I did that really well for four weeks. And then I threw in twice a week. And then I did that really well for four weeks. And then before I knew it, it wasn't. I'm getting a workout in. I'm doing this like I just started to need that for my soul. And now it's a non-negotiable in my life. Is movement, and I don't like high intensity, not intensity. Whatever. I call it movement, I call it mobility, but I need that for my soul and that fills my cup. So ohh **** OK. There's so many good things you said in there. I've been like taking notes first of all what you just said about building that habit slowly and then it became a non negotiable for you. I love that and it's such a beautiful thing. And there's been a few things that I've played around with in my routine as well. And I love when they become a non-negotiable and you can literally say that to yourself. And that is the motivating factor of like like I literally. Say out loud to myself some days, like that's non-negotiable, like there is. There are no excuses because I feel like the inner child in us
sometimes, depending on what it is like, tries to make those excuses of like ohh, but you could do this or uh, but you don't need to. And then the adult or like you said, like your soul is like, no, no, I need this. Like this is extremely important for me to do so. I love that. And it's so interesting that you said that you have. Like that sense or had haven't had that sense of urgency coming home to your family. And like I think urgency in the sense of like anxiety and that intensity and the irritability and like not knowing where to put it is a horrible feeling. And I've talked before on the podcast, I think about literally being coached to have a sense of urgency. Like when I had part time jobs when I was younger, like I worked at restaurants. And they literally said you don't look urgent, you need to look more urgent or like people will be like, upset with you, they'll be wondering, you know, why their food's not here. So it was literally coached to have a sense of urgency in working in restaurants and then like, same thing, working other part time jobs like Coach to, you know, have a broom in your hand at all times in case the manager came out, even if there was nothing to do. It's just like we've been programmed in all these little ways. Like you need to look busy, you need to look productive and. That's just exhausting and. So neat, too, that you mentioned just your one client who's not even ready to address it. Because I feel like some people listening to this podcast will be at that same place of like. Not being able to identify that the self is so important, but being able to say my family is important. This is how I was raised, to be a loyal to my friends and family and be there and be available when anyone needs me. So how are you? How do you work with that? And like what are some first steps people can take if
they're like? I need to be available for other people, and I'm never available for myself. What? What the **** is that? Yeah, it's a thing. It's a real thing. And it's OK that it's a thing. It's a thing. If you're not in your head and you're being like, oh **** that's me. Like, that's OK, that's fine. I think we've all been there. I think we'll all get there again in the future. It's just I think that that is a thing. So. What? How I. First of all I want to flip the script. I wanna flip this script that. You are not. Well, how do I want to put it?
That. Your selfish if you put your needs first, like flipping that script and really defining what selfish is because I that's the biggest thing I hear as soon as someone tells me, you know, but my son needs this, my husband needs this, my team needs this, blah blah blah. Is that like it's selfish? If you think about yourself first, you always think about yourself, laugh, and I got to tell you like that's bull crap. It it just. Is and. You're selfish. When you continuously do say and act in ways that only fulfill you. With, I think disregard for what anything else what anyone else has to say. So as I don't know if most of your listeners are women. But like, as women. We.
Tent like if we ohh my gosh you're gonna have to listen to this on like 2 times speaks I'm like not getting it out but no it's all good take your time as women I feel like we think we're so selfish if. Even our son from across the room is like mom, I need help. Not right now. I need to finish this. And we think that's selfish. But what we're creating in our children is instant gratification that like, isn't always going to be there. Like, Mom is here. I see you and I hear you. This is not an emergency. I need to finish this up for me for XYZ, and then I will be over there, too. I think that's like my biggest example for that is like, you can tell your son to wait. Love that. And that's like, I'm available. Like you said, I see you, I hear you, I'm supportive. I'm here and I like you're acknowledging that and it's like, but I I'm also not going to sacrifice myself just and I think that goes with everything. It's like the same thing as an e-mail coming in and feeling like you have to respond to the e-mail right away and then you're on somebody else's schedule immediately versus, you know. I don't have to get back. This e-mail is not urgent. I will answer it in 24 hours or 48 hours or when I answer my emails on Fridays only, whatever it is, like setting that boundary. It's huge. Like, it teaches people how to treat us. And I think like, that allows your son to be like, OK, well, like this is how I grew up. This is an appropriate dynamic. So now I can start setting that boundary with other people is what, you know, they take on. And yeah. Yeah, I think that's so interesting. I think that's a really beautiful lesson to be able to learn is yeah, let me let me do this and then I can help you. Same thing. That oxygen mask. Like let me put my oxygen mask on then I'll be to you. Yeah. So I think that's the first step in working with someone who has this feeling and this
mentality is is flipping the script in their brain. They might even have to say like this is not self-care, is not selfish. I am not selfish for choosing to finish my e-mail before I go and. Help my son because. That you were just getting that fat out, you getting that accomplishment of task completion is a bucket filler. You know, in a bucket, you know, that book, that bucket Dipper would be, I think, responding immediately or feeling the urgency to respond. I did. I have another client too, that I'm working successfully through this she is. She's the director of therapy. He had a clinic in town and so. Everyone always needs something, whether it be a keyboard to help support with a kid. Decide that and she would stop what she's doing, or she would skip her planned movement time or her planned lunch to go solve XYZ and she was filling everyone else's bucket on the team by making sure that she was getting all of this stuff. But what we were learning that is she was so depleted and so unhappy and so unwell. Like she was getting her movement in for the day, which lights her up right. Fills her bucket. And so we started this be here now list that she has I she might have named it something different that's what I named mine. So I have this list that is AB here now. And every time I feel I'm being pulled in a direction that's not like here right now I'll tell you it and. Sometimes just the tally is enough. Like if it's like what? Just thinking about whatever you were thinking about, that is enough to bring me back to like the here and now to make sure I get my test done. But if it's something that's pulling me in a direction like let's say at work and you know, it's like, I'll write down. Go support. Whoever with
their keyboard, right. And then I can come back and finish my task and then I can go, oh, I didn't forget. I need to go help somebody with their keyboard. And so I think it's even as simple as that to fill your bucket that you prioritize. Your own time and your own tasks. And that doesn't even mean need. It doesn't even mean that you need to start spending like 30 minutes of like meditation or start working out or whatever the hell. It is like self-care. Putting into your own cup could be as simple as just following through on what you want to follow through on. Love that and it allows you to be present for each and everything on your list. And going back to like mirroring, I guess those two examples of you know your son calling you, then you're fully present for the e-mail, and then you're fully present for what he needs help with. Your attention is not divided. And then same with this client that you're working with. You know she's fully present for what she's working on and then when she goes to help this person with the keyboard, she's not feeling like resentful. Or, you know, her mind's not elsewhere, and I think that really allows people to take their power back because there's a sense of powerlessness when you're just running around like crazy doing things for other people. For sure. And yeah, I love how you said bring your power back because it does because now I'm supporting you and I'm helping you and probably still very timely manner. It could still be within 5 minutes of whatever is you're experiencing, but it's like. You're fully there and it's on your. Your choice. So that, I don't know. I think that is a bucket filler in itself because. When you're fully there for someone, I can support them, you know. That can fill you up too, especially if you're like, in a calm, chosen state versus like our rushed, urgent state. So true. Yeah, I think of any time where I think that
there might be feelings of resentment. Like to me. And immediately that's like, OK, why am I resentful? Like, I'm giving my power away in some way, and that's so hard for people to look at because it's like, painful, because we want to present the other person and like. Blame them. You know, why are you bringing these concerns to me? Can't you see I'm busy here? Yeah. So I like that. I really appreciate what you shared of flipping that script in your head and also that people can literally say it out loud. Like self-care is not selfish. And, you know, here are the steps I need to take. Can you talk to a little bit about clearing the clutter and does that tie into this? And what does that mean for you? Yeah.
Yes, so. You know, being a health and life coach like that is essentially what I do, is I support you in filling your bucket and sometimes. Or your cup? What? However you want to call it. But sometimes there's negative energy in your bucket or your cup. And I, the very first thing I do with a new coaching client is we clear the clutter. Because clutter could be perceived as like just taking up so much space in your life that you don't have room for. The new you, the new habit, the new the new script, you're saying yourself. And clutter can be. Anywhere. Clutter can be in your schedule. Clutter can be in your wallet. Clutter can be in your home. Clutter can be in your mind. It sorry, my phone is not so clutter can be in your mind, but there. I don't care. I will never tell you exactly what to do. This is. All of my coaching clients, too, will. They don't think they know what to do. You guys know what to do. You know what's taking up clutter in your space, so they'll say something like my. Steps into my house right now. Is so cluttered with just all the junk that was in the car. All the garbage that needs to make it out to the garbage can and all the recycling that just gets whipped out the door OK and like when I walk into my house. That. I'm just flustered already because I'm walking into a home that, like, the first thing I see is clutter. Like, OK, well. Then what do you need to do about that? I want to clear the clutter so I don't think you have to like, go organize and spend 10 hours on this project. I think you grab a garbage bag. You just walk around that area and you just throw away anything that's garbage that's clearing the clutter. And then maybe the next day or the next week you do it again. Or you're like, I'm going to grab everything from this spot that goes to my bedroom and I'm only grabbing that. That's clearing the clutter, so. That's the very, very first thing I work. I'm this is my what I want you to do right now. By the way, if no one's caught on to this, this is me
coaching myself right now. I love that we teach what we need. Yep, Yep. My other favorite place to clear clutter is in your calendar and in your schedule. And this, I think, has a big thing to do with what you need to have your cup filled. I I don't love to do more than one social event a week. And even then I'm like you're that's really pushing it for me. So if there's things on my calendar that I didn't want to say yes to or I would wish would get cancelled, then cancel them. Just do it. That's clutter. In your schedule and start, you know, just saying yes to the things that are important to you. And now I feel like we could go down a whole rabbit hole of like what, how we deal with people that we're going to disappoint with by saying no, but. Yeah, that's my other favorite place to clutter is your schedule. Love that. And when you were talking, I was thinking of it can be so hard to pinpoint. Like you said, people think they don't know what's cluttered for them, but they do know. And I notice it. Like, I'll try and ignore things and just power through them. And nothing's cluttered in my life. Everything's good. And then I'll notice moments of like calm, serenity, kind of peace. And it's because there's the absence of something like something that's been bugging me or taking up space or something that is clutter. So I think even to that can be a good way to identify if you have a moment that is like calm, serenity, peace, one of those feelings, and you're like, what is missing? Identify what it is that's missing. And it's like, OK, can you do without that? In the future type of deal. So giving yourselves those moments. Yeah totally. That is so powerful
and so true. I was just even thinking like yesterday I did all this Christmas shopping and went out to eat and I spent a total of $41.00 because I used all these gift cards. Gift cards are clutter. You know. So it's. Yes. Clutter is everywhere, so I feel like yes, you. When you really sit down and think about it, and a lot of times my clients will start with, I need to organize and declutter this closet, that's cool, I think, even if it's behind a closed door that needs to be decluttered. But then they'll all of a sudden be like, I cleaned out my wallet, I cleaned up my pockets. I'm like, yeah, but yeah. It feels good, totally. I love that. It's so important. I had teachers in school, like professors in university years that had said. Ohh, what was it just the importance of like having an environment that is calm and not chaotic and that is organized like it's it's extremely important to us as as organisms, as beings, and it really does have an impact. And it's hard to finding a balance between like being a perfectionist and having it need to be like a house that looks like a magazine or looks like it's not hasn't been lived in versus knowing when it's just. Clutter and being taken over by things that aren't necessary for you. How do you spot the difference between like, OK, something I'm avoiding something because I'm cleaning neurotically and being a perfectionist? Or this is supportive of my mental and physical health and well-being? Like how? Where is the line? Yeah, that is such a. That's a good question. It. And I would say it hasn't come easy, but as you were asking it,
I was like, do I know the difference? And yes. I know the difference because right now if it would take you out of tour of my house it's in sheer and utter chaos because I have a 5 and a 3 year old and I will clean something and they will follow me and be like oh that and then like take it right out anyway. So but I feel very clear and ready to work because I think there was others. Like I said yesterday I cleared out all these like gift cards that I did all that and so I feel very aligned with. My house is very cluttered and chaos right now, but I also know that there's a spot for everything and I know that when I do clean, so. I feel like it you'll know the difference when. The ends to the mean. Is something that fills you. So for an example, last week I was very anxious. It was last Thursday at the kit. My overwhelm was so high, my sensory system was all over the place and I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit at the computer, I couldn't do anything, and I had this huge pile of laundry. So I switched when I was doing and I cleaned our bedroom and set up a Christmas tree and did all this while I was doing some some. Like coach trainings. And that to me was because there was so much clutter in my brain and in my life. I had to do something that was organizing and pulling, pulling it back. And I still, I tied it into work because it was something I had available now. When? You know someone is coming to your house and you are putting your value in your worth on the things around you versus like who
you are in this moment and cleaning to perfection. And you clean the kitchen and then you walk into the owner's entryway and then you get sidetracked because that is. Chaos. I would say that's cleaning more to perfection because you know someone is coming or there's going to be like. How people perceive you on the other end of that, not so you can get done what you want to get done. So true and it's interesting that you say that. I had gone to someones house recently and it was like a little messy and I I feel like I haven't been in that situation a while because most people clean till perfection if they know they have people coming over. And it was actually very beautiful and very freeing because like, I felt like it gave me permission too. I was like OK, like if people come over to my house. Like it doesn't have to be perfect like because I didn't mind the clutter that was going on in their house because it was like date in mind. So as their guests we didn't mind and then we just enjoyed the conversation and the food that we had and everything and it was like like you said they're they weren't placing their worth on if everything was like put away and like seemed like they didn't even live there. So I love that. And I guess one final thing I want to touch on with you is that sense of. Overwhelm. And I think it's so amazing that you did that last week and you're like, OK, I feel overwhelmed. I's not sending out a computer. This is not happening. So I'm going to do some other things that are like active, moving, organizing, putting things away. I do that too, and I love that. And some days you, it's like people have the flexibility in their schedule to
do that. I think it's such a beautiful thing to be able to lean into the energy that's moving through your body, even if it's like negative energy. And just like frantically, you know, like you said, tie to your bedroom, do the laundry, whatever. But it wasn't sitting at a computer because that was not conducive to your health. That was not you had this energy that like needed to move. So I think that's so cool, but often. Feel like grip and hold on to and cling to and not be able to let go of. I should be doing this computer work and like sitting down and why can't I focus and why can't I concentrate and why do I feel so overwhelmed? So yeah, how did you get through that or other moments of overwhelm and yeah, just all of that. Yeah, that's. That's good questions. I would say it's a it's a thing from the other side. Again, like it doesn't just happen overnight, but what I've I've been really trying to flip this script in my brain and I don't know if I had mentioned earlier on a different podcast that we were on, but like. I went through EMDR. I worked through a lot of the trauma that I experienced and a lot of the self worth that I experienced and that for me. I had to work through that. I am enough as I am like who I am and the decisions that I make are enough just as they are. And it was like once I freed that from myself, was I able to flip the script and be able to get into that? Like this isn't conducive to me because I hate the shoulds and the shoulds. Like I have a whole podcast episode on Stop the sheds and shed its I should be sitting at my computer and getting all this stuff done. I mean, like, come on, tax season is coming up here. Like I got a lot of receipts I gotta throw in a folder for somebody else, but. I should have been doing that. But when you stop the should and you're like I, I physically I just can't. I will be unwell and this will take me 5 hours versus one hour
is when I'm able to. I'm all about productivity and using my time wisely and I knew that my laundry needed to be folded eventually and I knew that I needed to finish up some of these courses or at some of these trainings for my life coaching and I just shifted the timing. Of when I was going to do it. So I feel like if we put some of that negative energy into productive energy, even if it's not what was on your schedule? That's OK. And that's when you can, like, shred the shame and the guilt that we feel by like we should be doing this. Like if you get your job done, I mean, it's going to, it's going to get done. Right, But then I was in a much better space going into the evening. And I even, yes, going into the evening and I think I even did a little bit of work that night. But not everyone's an entrepreneur and like. Has that mindset, but does that? How do you think that answers if there's someone listening that like? Give them permission to just get up. And do what they need. I don't know. Yeah, no. I think that's insanely freeing and insanely helpful in that sense. Like. What you said there is like. Owning it. I like that you were saying about your decisions like I am enough as I am. And I often try and think of that like I've been doing so much self worth work lately as well on myself. And like you know, I am an F as I am. But I have never thought of that. Like my decisions are enough as they are and that really is owning, owning whatever you decide to do without judgment. Because I think. Often we have decisions to make all day long, like even just arranging our calendar like that, like
what you decide to do first or later or in the morning whenever. And I think we make the decision and then judge ourselves heavily for. Um, for our decisions. You know, why did I decide to do that? And it wasn't good enough anyway. And I'm pretty much a failure. Like, all of these thoughts and like, core beliefs are pumping through us. It's so interesting. I had this conversation with my mom the other day, like she felt like she hadn't done enough at something and that she should have made a different choice, and that takes you out of the present moment. So she and I were literally talking about this. Because I get that from her. Unlike nature, nurture, definitely the nurture where you're, and I know that so many of us do this, but where your brain is like literally you're split into two different places at once because you made the decision to be doing one thing. So you're half of your mind is there and half of it is elsewhere. And the other decision that you didn't go with. And that's what happened. She came over to my house. We were just like chatting and visiting and like part of her wanted to be out. She had come into town to visit me. She wanted to be running errands while she was in town and but she decided to stay and visit. So like, half of her mind was with me and half of it was being like, crap. I should be doing my errands right now. So I think it's so beautiful that you say, like, I'm going to own my decision and this is where my feet are and this is what I'm going to be doing right now. That's really incredible. I haven't thought of it like that before. Yeah. I've been a big like proponent to of just any ownership you have in anything. But yeah, when you say you make a decision, and I do, I say, I say that all the time. Make a decision and own it and lean into it. And I feel
like when you start it with that is like I'm going to spend time at my daughter's house and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Has a whole different aspect, like if you already talked through, because we're a foreshadowing. Society as well. Like when you foreshadowed too. Like I can spend guilt free time with her for 30 minutes and be fully present and then I can move on and that's the decision I make. I think there's, yeah. Power. So much power in that, actually. Yeah. And the way you put it is so beautiful. Like, I can spend guilt free time there, there, 30 minutes, then I move on, then I do my thing versus I can like feel hurt, the tension and the resistance and her body. Like while we're together because I do that too. I say yes to things I sit at. You know, I've gone out to lunch before with somebody and had something planned afterward and sat at this lunch for almost 3 hours and wasn't present. They're the second-half of it because I knew I had something afterward. And then there's the tension and the resistance in your body because your mind is in two separate places versus saying, hey, I'm going to show up to this lunch and letting everybody know, you know, like I'm going to pay for my bill and then I'm going to leave at this time because I have another commitment, I think. And that's part of filling our cup like we were talking about before, is setting those boundaries and that you don't have to be available. Is to go along with what's happening like you can own your decision making. And on the decision making for what's important for you, so there's two. Things that are important in your life and things that are urgent in your life. And things that are not important in your life. And so if it was important for you to have this community with whoever you went out for lunch with for three
hours and you made that decision, you would be like, I'm not going to feel guilty about the three things I had on my To Do List between lunch and whatever it is. Like it was important for me to stay and be in this community or it's the flip. It's important for me to get the three things done on my list. So I'm going to tell you at 1:30 I'm going to. Like give you all hugs and say goodbye because it's important for me to get those things done. So I think it comes back to like, what's important to you too, and too, like, for your mom. It's OK if it's important for her to spend time with her daughter, and it's OK if it's important for her to get XYZ done. like And that's where that it like being gold. Now we're really on a tangent. I know because this was being there for that phoning that yeah, this was making me think too when you're Speaking of social media, which is a whole different tangent, but that's why no one knows what's important to them because we're seeing we're flooded with like what's what should be important to us all the time. And so we really. Miss out on getting quiet with ourselves and like I've taken a break from releasing any podcasts, blogging and being on social media for three months now. I October, November, December and I'm coming back in action January 1st. Like that's we'll be launching podcast regularly, blogging regularly, going on social media. But. Good heavens, it's freeing. And I've been able to take this time and keep like deducing down what what is important to me, what is important to me, because it feels like everything is important to me. And a couple months ago, like I asked. My boyfriend, like what is important in your life? And he literally named me three things, like three things that he would like ride or die for. And everything else is like meth. Literally
met. If it gets done, it gets done. But I'm not going to stress over it. And I was like but my list is like 103 things and yours is 3. So I think that that's a huge piece too is getting clear on that because it's clearing the clutter, clear on the freaking clutter. Even what's important to you, those as actually another coaching tool I use. It's like the wheel of life and kind of identifying what are your top five. You know I love that. The top five. Yes it's so good and yeah I hope people connect with you and work with you because it sounds like you do some awesome work. So can you tell people where they can find you and all that good stuff. Yes. So you my website is www.andreahensrud.com
and you can just look up I guess Google Health and empowerment reproduction for her. So that's my website is my name is Andrea Hensley with and. My I'm most active on Instagram, my handle is at her dot infertile dot Myrtle and I coach more than women who are going through infertility. I have a lot to say on other things, but that is my passion and why I created my business. So yeah, that's where you could find me. Are those places. I love that so much. Thank you for being here and for doing this. Absolutely. no