In this episode, we talk about perfectionism and adjusting the pressure that we put on ourselves to be and do everything. We talk about the shame surrounding mental health and emotions and the benefits of therapy for maintaining mental health and growth mindset. These are some deep and juicy conversations and you're going to get so much out of listening to this episode!
In today's episode, we discuss:
CONNECT WITH LAURA for all things self-compassion
Instagram - Laura @theself set
Podcast - The Self Set Podcast
CONNECT WITH ANDREA for all things health and fertility
Instagram - @ahensrud & @her.infertile.myrtle
Podcast - Diagnosis: Infertility
Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com
Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.
In this episode, we talk about perfectionism and adjusting the pressure that we put on ourselves to be and do everything. We talk about the shame surrounding mental health and emotions and the benefits of therapy for maintaining mental health and growth mindset. These are some deep and juicy conversations and you're going to get so much out of listening to this episode!
In today's episode, we discuss:
CONNECT WITH LAURA for all things self-compassion
Instagram - Laura @theself set
Podcast - The Self Set Podcast
CONNECT WITH ANDREA for all things health and fertility
Instagram - @ahensrud & @her.infertile.myrtle
Podcast - Diagnosis: Infertility
Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com
Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.
Well, welcome Andrea, to the Better Boundaries podcast. And today we're talking all things mental health, self-care, self love and medication. So I think this is going to be such an important conversation. Yeah, for sure. Can you give the audience a little bit of a background on you? Maybe talk about what you do, your experience with mental health and also about your podcast and everything?
I'm Andrea. I actually. Well, I live in Fargo, ND it's snowing right now. It's absolutely beautiful, but bright. So I have a degree in occupational therapy, a masters degree in occupational therapy, and I've been a therapist for 10. Plus years and most recently I have felt a shift to do more coaching. And so I now have my health and life certification in coaching and I have felt pulled to start coaching women who are experiencing the trauma of infertility. And so I have a lot of history. Well, I've worked with a lot of kids in mental health, but also I was our team lead for therapy, so I let a group of women. 14 women actually, that are therapists and supported their mental health needs as well, and then also navigated my own mental health needs through that and so. Coming at you with all these different experiences and different stories. But what my story is, is that. You know, when you're a leader, when you're kind of at the top in like climbing the corporate ladder, you start to forget to take care of yourself and you run, run, run and everything, right? All these goals are for somebody else. At least that's what I was experiencing. And I run at a high pace and very fast pace. I'm an Enneagram 3, which I don't know if anyone's used to any programs here, but same here. Achieve your lifestyle. It's exhausting. We get **** done. We do get **** done, but we forget to take care of ourselves in the process. So I. What I it was a it was about. Probably a year and a half ago now where I was like, I don't have to live life like this anymore. Like, this doesn't have to be like, I don't need to go home and continue to stress about work. I don't need to live this like super fast-paced lifestyle that I wasn't, like, happy about. So I took everything on and like, it was, you know, like
just carried it on my shoulders and I started having these weird symptoms where I felt like I was like. White headed or feet deep or this or that? If my heart was always racing and um whatever, my iron was low doctor for this this was blah blah blah. And I've never been an anxious person. I don't have anxious thoughts, but my body was really starting to exhibit very anxious symptoms or like characteristics. So because I didn't have anxious thoughts I just kept going at that capacity. So I now this doesn't need to be controversial to anyone that's listening but. I got my booster, my second COVID shot and 40 hours later I was in the ER having a full on panic attack. My blood pressure was like 165 over like 135. rate I don't even know. And I had this like adrenaline just going through my body and I thought I was going to die, but just I thought I was going to die. So they gave me some lorazepam, which that **** is amazing. Saying and and I knew that's when it when he came in and said that because I also have thyroid issues. I have a partial thyroid. So like right they just thought all these things are going on turns us having panic attack.
But what that propelled from there was that. Just because I wasn't having anxious thoughts didn't mean my body wasn't under extreme stress. And after a lot of doctoring, a lot of heart monitor monitoring, like I wore that little Holter monitor, you know, and like there had been links to fluid being around your heart after your COVID vaccination, this or that. And so they were ruling all that out. But no, it just turns out that I'm like a high, just high intense person. And so my doctor kept telling me it's anxiety and I kept fighting her. I'm like, but I'm not anxious. So she had recommended starting an anxiety medication. And I was like, sure I like, I just don't like feeling like this. So I started the medication and I started feeling better. But sex is horrible. After that, it really impacted our sex life. And so I started a second medication to support that. But what I learned from that is what it feels like. To be to get into this calm state. And when I was there, I really worked. I hired a coach and I really worked towards getting out. Of the current state I was in. The current stressors and then I started my own business, so. There. That is a really long story about
who I am. So I started a podcast. My podcast is called diagnosis infertility, because before all of this we went through five years of infertility IVF. Miscarriage, all these things, and I have always loved to support women through their journey and it felt just so natural to transition into that kind of coaching role. So. Ohh my gosh, thank you for sharing all of that. That's huge. OK, one, I love your podcast. I think that's incredible. So many people are going through that. So many people I work with as a therapist are going through that. And just people around me in my personal life. So yeah. And who knows? I like that's. I just think that's so amazing. Like you say, that was so genuine. You're like, I love to support women on that journey. And so I think that's beautiful. Holy crud. OK so. It interests me that your symptoms came out physically, and I think that that's so common, especially with panic symptoms, for people who are like, I'm not stressed, I'm good, like I I know things in life can be challenging or I'm working toward these goals. But I think it was. It's interesting when you say. You were working toward all of these different things. And I don't know, like, where that fell in your timeline, like when you were having panic attacks and the COVID stuff and like in your timeline of like, schooling and different certifications and whatnot. But it's like we take on all these things and sometimes think like I'm crushing it. Like I'm working towards these goals and our bodies. Like, no, no, like, please take a break. And I had that too. It came out in the form of indigestion. And I haven't had yeah, I haven't had indigestion in years now. I was working a bunch of things that I hated, like I was in a job that I hated. It was super stressful.
I hated going into it, and I was doing a bunch of other things on top of it. And I had the worst indigestion, like I couldn't eat dinner at night. I would be like curled up in a ball, also starving at the same time, like trying to take bites. But it would just be so painful and. Yeah, talk to me more about like what came out physically, what was that like and how we're like physical symptoms now because it's so alarming when that happens and and we try and like cut out all these foods and stuff and like hope the foods will help and and sometimes it just doesn't make a difference. You know that's interesting that you talk about indigestion. So now being a health coach, I work a lot on mindset and having a healthy relationship with food and. One of the things is when we're anxious, everything seems so urgent. And the urgency. You eat faster too. And when you eat fast? You don't digest your food properly either. So it's like, Oh my gosh, I could like spiral on this with you, probably for days. So OK, for me, my physical. So my timeline of things was that all of my stress and everything that I took on was sold, is like was work. It was all work related so everything else I did was after. The meds after like the coaching, those types of things, so. My biggest physical things I noticed was. Like the dizziness or I would kind of like feel I'd have a lot of um. Was it like that when you sit to stand or like that is at the hydro something syncope or some? Oh, they like that some really fancy. I'm sorry, would you say? Yeah, no, that sounds wild. Like just that change in elevation.
We're so high. Ortho static hypertension maybe. What if somebody, somewhere, somebody listening tell us what this is, OK. So I have a lot of that, you know, sit to stand with those types of things. And I would just, I'd feel dizzy quite a bit or I would like feel my like vision, like clothes and like come out and it was, it was very mild. I'd I'd feel a little out of breath sometimes, or I'd like just feel my heart racing. And I in my I was like, for no reason. Because like say a big stressor came up. Say someone on my team was like mad about something. They just be like OK, let like yeah, let's work through this. But that like, so my brain, I never was anxious about like overcoming any of that or what they thought of me or that we couldn't solve this, but my body would react. In those ways, and there are times too where I would like get jittery or shaky, but again, I have hypothyroidism and so I'm very closely monitored with my thyroid levels. And sometimes if your meds, your thyroid medication is too high or your levels are too, thyroids are super confusing. So if your levels are too low because your meds are too high, you get shaky. That's some of the symptoms too and so. That's what I experienced and and now after meds, I mean, I would honestly love to eventually get off of my medication. And I noticed days where I feel like I don't need them, but then I notice days like today, I'm super. I have a new business idea, I had to record my own podcast. I have all this stuff I really want to do when I get this like really intense. Like I have to do it all today and I feel. Those symptoms kind of coming and I'm like, oh, did I take my meds today? Nope.
So I go take them and I'm like, OK. Here we are and then. So that's that's what I experience and what I'm experiencing now. Wow. OK. So it's neat that, and there's a few things on the topic of meds that you've touched on that I want to dive more into. So it's neat that you find it effective, but also at the same time don't want to be on them forever. And then also at the same time, I want to talk about the sex stuff and like, was it low libido and yeah, touch on any of that. What's important to you? How much do you just have 4 minutes left? I'm good till 140. OK so. I the sex thing was really important to me. So going through infertility and there was just so many years I was told when I could have sex, when I can't have sex, upstate all these things. And so our sex life has been something we've really worked hard at. And it was everything it was, it was low libido. It was not having to be like there was no pleasure behind anything. There was not the ability to have an orgasm. There was none of that. And I I can't remember. So my doctor and I are super close. I've been with her for 10 years. And so I went in and she's like, how are things going? I was like, not good. This has to change now. And so thankfully, I was able to be open about that with her because I know so many people aren't. They don't want to admit it. One of my best friends is on the same that I am runner has been barely have sex. And I was like. OK. Have you ever considered that this could be a side effect of your medication? And she was like, Oh no, it's fine, quit whatever so. It's supported me in overcoming that, but now I've just
noticed two in the last like month I need to go back because I feel. Like maybe my dose needs needs to change again because I'm starting to have like a similar side effect to that to that now. And then what was the other thing you asked about meds? Ohh. Just like wanting to get off of them because that's something I hear often is people going on them and then they're like yeah, but I don't want to do this forever. I just want this to support me for a little bit of time. What's that like, like the not wanting to. And because I feel like partially it's like social stigma of like saying, oh, you shouldn't be on these forever, you shouldn't be dependent on them. What's that for you? Yeah, I'm curious about that too. For myself, I think some of it is. That pride in me and that that competition, you know I'm so competitive that like I can do this and I can manage this because when I was treating so I did a Pediatrics for OT and a lot of the things, a lot of the symptoms I would treat to as anxiety and kids or you know attention and kids. And I was always like you know meds still have to be forever like the the goal is to always you know stabilize and then hopefully be able to learn tips and tricks. Techniques so that you are able to. Cope and go through things yourself. But sometimes there's just this physiological component that you can't, you can't just use coping tools with, right? Like, I'm a very educated human, I have a ton of healthy coping tools. I'm a therapist. Like I work out, I do all this stuff and I still like have a physiological component to it. So for me wanting to get off meds. I think it's because I want to learn. How to calm and understand my like central nervous system a little bit better so that I don't put myself
in such high intensity situations. So like I want to try to learn how to monitor my environment because. I'm still going at a very fast pace and I have two kids now, right? Like. I wanna teach them that, like. You don't just need to pop a pill and move at a fast pace, you know, just to get what you need. But also it's OK to pop a pill. To like learn in in the interim so. I starting my business has had like a very visceral response for me. Like I want to throw up all the time because. I'm 30K down from six months ago from when I started my business, right? That's a lot of freaking money. So my, my, my doctor's like let's just keep you on these for a little bit until you get regulated. And I love that because it's so true because I will get like panicky about that. We have no money in our debt is increasing, you know, and so that's just part of the ride, I think, of starting your own business. So good. OK. Thank you for being vulnerable with that because it is part of the freaking ride and it's not talked about enough of like debt, first of all. And I'm going through my own financial like, stressors and panic right now. And then also everyone around me is, but no one's talking about it. So I've tried to be vulnerable and like, bring it up to people and that's when they will say, like, oh, me too, me too. Like, no big deal. It's like, OK, this needs to be a normalized conversation because I think just the way our society is right now, that's one of the things that can totally induce panic symptoms, I mean. Apart from, you know, everything else going on. But that is one thing where it's like that is your safety, security, survival and learning to, like you said, regulate your nervous system under those
conditions that you know might not change for a little while. Like when you're running a business or if someone is like starting a new job or whatever it is, the circumstances will change. You will come out of it, but it's not something that's going to happen necessarily overnight. So learning to cope in the meantime is huge. And I love that you're like. It's OK to pop a pill and it's OK to like learn different coping skills and and give yourself the time and space to do that in. So I think that's really beautiful and I guess do you have tips for anyone if they're? Kind of thinking of like reaching out to their doctor for medication or anything like that, like just getting started. I see so many people in therapy. They come to me and they're at, they're at their crisis, like breaking point. They're starting therapy and starting medication at the same time and navigating like both of those avenues along with everything else in life. So yeah, any like tips, words of advice and support for those folks who are like? Just like just like you were when you're like, what's happening to my body? I'm not anxious.
Uh, yeah, I think. I think there's a lot of us out there, men and women alike. That this happened to and. So first of all, it's OK to not be OK. I. It's OK to just take it one step at a time too. So I remember being like I'm just going to set an appointment with my primary. No big deal like, just set the appointment. That's all. You don't even have to talk, you know, you have to be like, I'm gonna go talk to her about this or this, you know? And then like just one step at a time, like bring up. Like, I've been having these symptoms of feeling anxious. And just because you set the appointment doesn't mean you have to talk about it. But then when you're there, just because you decide to mention it doesn't mean you have to go on medication, you know? And so just knowing that it's like little steps and and just because you're going to start admitting it. That's the other thing. But just because you're going to start talking about it and taking ownership of it, does it mean you have to do one thing or another? Like you can do whatever the hell you wanna do? You're an adult, OK? But I just talked about this on my podcast this morning as I tested like. Own and lean into your reality. So you know, when I was talking about it for my I was ******** about the Virgin Mary because she got pregnant. Without having sex, and that's a big deal in our community. But like leaning in and owning that like I am. Anxious. My body feels stressed and like, these are facts, right? There's nothing wrong with you. So like, just I feel like owning your reality. And your
facts means that there's nothing wrong, wrong with you and that it's OK to go and talk about it. And that's, like I said, for both men and women. I've noticed a lot of men in my life being very anxious and not really normalizing that with their buddies, right. So talking about it with your spouse, I don't know if you're listeners are predominantly men or women, but. Yeah, those would be my tips. Is that just blurted out? I love that. And I think that it's empowering to be like taking the baby steps and it doesn't mean anything for the next part. It doesn't mean you have to do a follow up, doesn't mean you have to take a next step. Sometimes it is just about acknowledging what's going on for you. Same idea. Like, yeah, I love that you said like you're an adult, you can literally do whatever you want. And I tell my clients that, you know, if someone is sitting down with me and they're. Let's say they're contemplating like leaving their partner. Um, it's like we can talk about you leaving your partner for the whole entire session. At the end of the session, you're an adult. If you don't leave your partner, that's fine. That's OK and I think we have to be able to.
Say things, acknowledge them, get it out. And it doesn't mean that we have to take action on it. We're such like a productivity efficiency, take action, go for it type of mentality. And sometimes it isn't about that. So I like that you can apply it to mental health as well, just sometimes just acknowledging it within yourself that this is what's going on for me. Do you have any final words of wisdom? And can you also tell people where they can connect with you, find you, listen to you, all the good things? So my if I'm all word of wisdom would be that. Medication. No. Medication. Symptoms, no symptoms like you're enough as you are. It doesn't matter. You know, if what you experience. I remember thinking that I was less of a human, less of a leader, because I was not strong enough to manage things independently. And so that took me a lot of therapy, a lot of MDR. But yes, that is where we're at. So you are enough as you are and you can find me. So my Instagram is at her infertile Myrtle and my podcast is diagnosis infertility. And that's on all of the main mainstreaming places that you could find podcasts. So, yeah. That's amazing. Thank you. Thank you for coming on and thank you for the quick chat. I think, like, I would love to connect more with you. I just, I love how you're so vulnerable and raw. So I appreciate you sharing your home entire journey and everything. Yeah, no problem. Thank you for having
Just because I wasn't having anxious thoughts didn't mean my body wasn't under extreme stress.
What up? Welcome back, Laura. This is so great to have you again. Thank you so much for having me again. OK, so just for anyone who didn't listen to the previous episode, missed it, whatever, I would encourage them to go back and listen, first of all, because it was pretty juicy and there were lots of Nuggets of info in there. So I love that from you, but can you give a little bit of your past experience? Just. Life and like, growing up and like, let's this episode talk a bit more on the mental health side of things. So yeah, how have things been for you? Yeah, I am someone, as we talked about in the previous episode, that has always been like the shy girl or the quiet kid. I was always that person. That. Yeah, there's just been all these times growing up where I was very concerned with other people, thought of me, of being making sure, you know, I was always concerned that wasn't being interesting enough for fun enough for all these things out. Always. Yeah. Overthink what I wanted to say in conversation. And it got tricky. I held on to that label for a long time, even through like high school and into college and college. There's that other extra pressure of everyone's part, you know, the party scene. I love friends who, you know, really enjoyed the party scene. And I'd go along with them and I would feel so awkward at those parties, feeling so anxious, like when it was loud and crowded. And also in those. Yeah, in those social situations of ohh, let me try to, you know, be outgoing and talkative with these people at this party. And of course, I'm in my own head like, oh, I'm not being interesting enough. I'm not being outgoing enough. And it's it was tricky. It's tricky to really undo that sort of thinking of actually learning to love myself, as we talked about in the previous episode, of being kind to myself. Because it's so tricky when we really see ourselves as these labels we are given and you know, of course we maybe
we have this idea in our head of this person we want to be, we're shooting for that and we're in that awkward spot of like understanding where we are now and how to get to that place we want to be. It can just make us feel so like ashamed of like where we are, of who we are. And it's such an ongoing process of learning to undo that thinking of learning to love who I am and be OK with the discomfort, be OK with. Everything along this process, yeah, it's so true and OK, so on your Instagram you talk a lot about emotions and allowing yourself to feel them versus like sweeping them under the rug. Can you? Talk a bit about that and your experience with that, because I know a lot of people struggle with that and that that is not just a past parenting generation thing, but that it still continues where we tell our kids and each other and we tell ourselves that you need to be positive and you need to be happy and that's so much pressure, especially when you're having those moments where you aren't. Feeling good, then you feel an extra layer of like, pressure to get out of it. And I feel like that leaves people with a sense of like helplessness or like I'm out of control or I'm an absolute mess. And just like identifying heavily with whatever emotions they're experiencing. Like I'm a complete failure that I can't get out of this. And like, no one else is experiencing this. So like, it has a very isolating nature. I guess so. Yeah. What are your thoughts? Like, just because I got the vibe from your Instagram that like, you came from like a family that was like, no, we don't talk about these things. Like we're good. Like how was your school day? Good. OK.
And like, obviously I know nothing about your past and like share only as much as you're comfortable with. But I just feel like so many people have that where even if a kid is crying, their parent tries to, like, cheer them up right away instead of actually saying, like, what's going on for you. So yeah. Absolutely. I think, you know anyone listening has probably experienced that too of being told like Ohh, just push through it like you're fine. You're OK like I think that's definitely. And I and you know when I described this, you know, no shame to my parents because like you just said I think that they, their parents raised in that way, their parents because I think that's natural to want to push away any uncomfortable or difficult emotions that it's, it feels easier or it feels more comfortable to push that away and just like move forward. So I've definitely was that type of person that held on to that. Like, oh, I just gotta push it away. Everything's fine, everything's all good. Just gonna ignore this. And really, that's the biggest thing, especially when we're talking about mental health was my biggest thing was like when I was really struggling with this idea of like understanding who I was and on a personal level. And like, I was in college, I was also struggling with like I would get very overwhelmed very easily even when things on my plate weren't crazy, you know? I knew people who worked like 2 full time jobs and went to college and stuff. So it's like. I was always tell myself, ohh, they have it so much harder so I shouldn't be feeling overwhelmed. And so I just gotta pretend like I'm fine. Like I, you know, I'm fine like and it just and that's the thing. Like me ignoring that feeling of that overwhelming stuff, really trying to push it down made it show up so much more for me. Like I was, I was having like Oh my gosh, I was having like night terrors and I was having like panic attacks and stuff. And then I would have these and then I'd be, I'd still be like, oh, I'm fine, you know, I'd be totally fine. Highly and stuff and then a random Thursday night I would have like a full blown breakdown and then the next day be like ohh yeah I'm fine all good. Like I'm not like I don't need help I'm I'm good and it's just from that's
from that upbringing of like. No people. There are people who need help, but those are those people. You are fine. You just got pushed through it like ohh. So that's definitely been, it's the most difficult thing, I think to undo that thinking of actually sitting and being comfortable with being OK with not being OK, feeling comfortable with the discomfort. It's such ongoing process to figure out how to do that because it's like, yeah, just so uncomfortable. And it's something that even says day. Like as much as I talk openly about it and I think I've gotten to a better place. That was five years ago. It's still, there are still days where all feel anxious or I'll feel overwhelmed. And then I start to kind of think like, Oh no, I shouldn't be feeling this way. And it's, yeah, it's real tricky. And I bet a lot of people listening probably have felt that too, in certain ways of like, just push that down, just move forward. And maybe in some situations that's fine. But a lot of times it ends up, you know, coming back and hurting you. It's so true and thank you for sharing all that, I think. That mentality of like. Even not seeing therapy or any kind of like self-help or like Wellness practice as something that should be done like on a regular basis like upkeep. Because I know that there's oftentimes when people feel like I'm fine, I don't need to like access this service right now. But I think there's so many little traumas and triggers that occur in our daily lives that just build up if we don't address them and then it keeps like. Pushing it to the side, pushing it to the side, um. So I guess on that note, like what do you how do you upkeep for mental health and like? Yeah, just trying to do different regular practices like whether it's therapy or other things on your own. Yeah, you know, because definitely I do wish that like therapy was treated more like physical
health, you know, where it's like or that like because I think there's so many people that really think that therapy is only for people diagnosed with something. I think that's why I was, I grew up thinking it was like, OK, yeah, it's very important for them, but I'm not diagnosed with anything. So you know, it's side note on that. It's so yeah, ohh, it's selfish interesting because like it I thought there was more understanding around like mental health stigma and stuff. Now. But even kids now that are like 1213 high school like think that therapy is for quote UN quote like psycho people or like that you have to be like severely mentally ill, mentally ill and it's like yes of course. And those aren't my words but. That's like, I just can't believe that we're still in that spot. So you're so right. Like. So anyway go on. Yeah. No exactly. Like that is so difficult or there's even like on a personal level, I think maybe at some point I was thinking OK no some people go to counseling and of course I went to a college where you got, you got like three or five therapy sessions like with your tuition sort of thing. And I remember a friend going through a difficult breakup and she went to, she tried out the a couple therapy sessions and and for her. And even then I was like, oh, that's. Yeah, for her, that's totally understandable for her to do it, but not me. Like, I shouldn't do that. Like, it's if I go, then I'm just being overdramatic. Or if I go, I'm. I was justifying all the reasons why I shouldn't. And it's that's the trickiest thing. Yeah. And especially, like, the other part of this too is whenever talk about therapy, it's like it's so inaccessible, unfortunately. Like of course, that was in a situation where it was right there in college and it was literally paid for technically through my tuition. But it's like, OK, why shouldn't I go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which eventually I did give it a shot, but it literally was after my full like breakdown, you know when I when I really started to
realize that wasn't OK, that's. When I think it was even a year after that, I think I had my like real realization that wasn't OK and I still had to take steps to even get the courage to walk into it. Their therapists office because I was just like that took a lot of undoing of like to actually be OK with not being OK and then being able to go to a stranger and talk to them and tell them that's like a whole other thing. But. I am forgetting was going to where it's going to go with this, but like it's other Wellness practices and stuff too. Yeah that like. Beyond there, because therapy was for me personally was super helpful. But I totally understand that for some people it's not depending on where they are. There's a lot of other factors that can be involved. So for me the other things that have made a huge impact is actually working with a life coach. And that's the sort of thing where, as I say that I know there's stigma around the word coach, but some people might be listening and like, which I like, which is unfortunate because I think people think, Ohh, a coach doesn't have like the the education or the, you know, the credentials. But, you know, and of course a lot of coaches are different. But the coach I work with, like, she has been such a huge help for me to be being myself where I am right here. And like, OK, here's how you're doing, here's how you're feeling. What can you do from this spot? Like, she's really helped me, like have a place to talk openly about where I am. And she catches the little things I say and, like, is able to kind of guide me to. Of course, I come up with my own answers when it comes through coach, like, coach you to a certain direction. But yeah, she's really been able to help me, like, when I get in that. Freeze mode of the overwhelm of like, OK, here's what's going on, here's where you are, what's one thing you can do right now. And she's helped me really work through a lot of like the the thoughts I've had that have been wired in my brain of helping me rethink them and really like, believe new thoughts about myself. And it's just been a huge help. So I have loved working with a life coach and so that's been a huge help and but that's also to some people not very
accessible and the but the other practice I think has been journaling and that's been huge for me of like be able to get all my thoughts out onto paper of course. And honestly like I think from what we talked about in the previous episode about like finding evidence to support new beliefs. When I journal I like write them out then I'm like oh I am. I I my biggest thing is I write out reasons why I'm proud of myself because that's been something that's been difficult for me. Like it's like finding reasons. Yeah. To actually be proud of myself, you know, especially with those insecurities. I'm not doing enough, oh, I'm bad at my job or that sort of thinking. It's like I will actively, like, write down, OK, I'm proud of myself because I did this and did that and it ends up being this whole like record of all these reasons why I'm actually doing better than I think I am. And it's that's been a huge, huge help of helping me, really. Yeah, really like and like, appreciate who I am, appreciate my growth. And yeah, I think that's such a really good practice for anyone to do. Damn, that's good. I love that. And I just, I wrote that down like I've written all your little Nuggets from tonight down like thoughts aren't facts. Like thinking about what labels have I given to myself and what if that weren't true? And I wrote that down too. Like, why am I proud of myself? And that really, to me, it gives me that same feeling of calm in my body, of meeting myself where I'm at versus your brain being completely in the future completely. In the past, just like whatever side of the spectrum you're on, like more anxious or more depressed. And, you know, not living in the present moment of like, OK, what did I actually accomplish today? Because when you take a moment, there are actually so many things. Like, I physically feel the same as I did yesterday. I'm just
as stressed as I was yesterday. But like, when we look at our bodies, like so many cells have died and rejuvenated, and so technically we're not the same. We're always changing. But then also on a level of, like, what am I proud of today? I set boundaries and like, spoke up and used my voice like more than I did yesterday. And like today, I did something spontaneous that was super fun and like those little things like that we don't think we're capable of and that we don't acknowledge them. I really like that. That's so cool. One final piece I'm going to jam on with you today is something you've said a couple times and I saw it on your Instagram and I know people who struggle with this narrative of. I am over dramatic or I'm being over dramatic and I don't deserve this attention because like I am too much talk about the experience of that because that's quite the heavy burden, quite the heavy narrative to carry around. Yeah, Oh my gosh, that's who. I don't even know where to start with that because that's definitely like because it shows, it shows up in different areas and I think like we've touched on, it shows up in that like oh, I shouldn't be get therapy, I shouldn't get help. Goes up in like, ohh. You know, I've definitely been worried that people didn't actually like me as much as, you know, like oh, they're just pretending to like me sort of thing. And I think it gets down rooted into like the way that I view myself. If I view myself as not being good enough for not being worthy of someone's attention, were worthy of someone's love. No, I don't. I. I have such. It's so tricky. Can you give me feel like do I want to unpack this? Yeah no this is good because it's such a good because it's because that gets on the rooted like like what we all really struggle with that sometime. Like whether it shows up in different areas of your life whether it shows up in work situations or shows up socially like this deep this deep rooted like human feeling
of oh I'm not enough or them too much or that I'm yeah. I think like what you touched on like the. That my, my, that, my. What I'm wanting or what I'm needing right now is invalid. And that's. I I don't even know. Like it's so because it's so tricky to unto undo that sort of thinking of finding that grounded level of like, OK, wait, no, this is how I'm feeling. This is who I am. And it's OK. It's like being OK with exactly where you are, who you are and. I I really like, I wish I that's the sort of topic that's like I wish I could be like, here's the solution, here you go, packaged up. And it's like, not like, it's just like it's so different for everyone and it's so, so deeply rooted. And I think it's such a part of being human of having these sort of feelings about who we are because I think we see all our flaws. So it's easy for us to justify like. Always reasons, you know, like I'm not gonna go therapy the therapist, get the game over dramatic, or that I'm selfish. That you know, that we we find the evidence to believe these things about ourselves. And it's so tricky when it's really deeply rooted in how we feel about ourselves to undo that sort of process. Oh, I don't. I don't even know. But no. Yeah, that's like you said, it just great. Like I think. Ah. Those are deep rooted feelings and when you were speaking I thought two of like. This sense of being just being a woman. I'm not saying men can't be like dramatic whatnot or just like however people identify, but I'm looking at this like stereotype that we've had in our Society of like, she's crazy. Like, that chick's crazy, she's a ***** like or she like she was yelling or she was angry. Just like that narrative of like a crazy girl. A
crazy woman who like, just because they're being vocal with their opinions. And like, I've even thought those things myself about like other people. Like if I saw, you know, there was a woman who was upset at the grocery store and she was like speaking up to the cashier or something. And the first thought that crossed my mind is like, Oh my gosh, like, what ***** or like, what a crazy chick. And it's like, no **** that's valid. She is allowed to be upset about something that happened at the grocery store, like. Uh, we don't give. Our self the grace sometimes, not only because of our own personal past and then everything, but like another layer of like societal conditioning of these messages. So I always find over dramatic and interesting one because like, I personally don't identify with that. Like, I mean it doesn't hold me back as an insecurity because I am overdramatic. I know that like I'm an only child, I'm super extra. I was spoiled. Growing up, I'm super dramatic, yes. Like, I thought I was going to be an actress and a singer. Can I sing? No. But I have other insecurities, of course, so that one always fascinates me because other people come to me with that. And it's a painful place to be because even when you are on the floor having a meltdown, shit's not right in your life and you feel like garbage. You're still on some level. Telling yourself you cannot feel this way, you are being dramatic. Yeah, like just invalidating yourself. Yeah. And I think it's like, yeah, I think it's like actually like meeting yourself where you are and like, OK, this is how I'm feeling. And I think what we've talked about previously is like, yeah, I understand why it where it's coming from. Like I think so much of, oh, I'm being overdramatic comes from oh, maybe I wasn't properly taught how to regulate my emotions growing up that this is still new.
I'm a human and it's difficult when all these emotions are happening. All these thoughts are swirling through my head to. To. That react in a sort of calm, normal way. Of course, maybe that won't be your initial reaction when this is so overwhelming and just able to look at yourself in such a human way of like, OK, this is how I'm feeling, this is what's happening and being OK with it even though it's uncomfortable. Even if like in yourself you're kind of like, oh wait, I shouldn't be feeling this way, I shouldn't be doing this. Yeah, I think having that sort of compassion for yourself in those really difficult moments. I think that also starts to show up like you kind of touched on like when you see other people, like when they have those reactive. And themselves, you could see it like ohh, they're being human right there. And like ohh, maybe, maybe they weren't, they don't. They weren't taught how to properly regulate their emotions and that's why they're reacting this way. OK, it's understandable. They're human. Like doing that. They're truly, that is totally understandable for their life. Like instead of making all these assumptions about who they are or when you have those episodes making assumptions about who you are. Like I think that's having that separation. I think it's just is huge. I love that. That's so good. Can you tell people where they can find you, get in touch with you? And yeah, do you have any final pieces of nugget gold to share with everybody? Yeah, I think, yeah, there was like 1 take away. I could, you know, I could tell to anyone who is experiencing what we've touched on, like really having these really, really deeply rooted, like beliefs about themselves and really like is are having trouble reaching out for help or reaching out. For these. So, you know, potential solutions is like these practices. If you're someone who is really uncomfortable with not being OK, all I can say is that like. That it's OK. It's like that. And not to be cliched, that's OK to not be OK. But that's the one thing I wish I could tell people. It's like that you are OK. Exactly where you are, as uncomfortable and awful as
it is because like that, because it has to start there in order for any progress, is being aware of where you are, being aware of who you are and join yourself. Just a little bit of kindness, the type of kindness that you probably tend to show other people. Be able to show that to yourself in those moments where you're like when things feel so difficult, I think. This is such a like grounded little thing, but it can like change everything as you start to like get into the practice of being kind to yourself, of unthinking that negative thinking. It's just that's the one thing I wish anyone who's listening takes away from this. But I think it's beautiful. No, I think it's more beautiful than you even know like what you just said like showing other people the OR showing yourself the kindness that you would give to other people. It's interesting because I think of and then I think of too when you said like you have to start at this spot to move forward. And I think of like my lowest like mental health ish times, like just struggling eating disorder wise. And I was like. Will I ever get out of this? Like, this is a really exhausting lifestyle. Like, I I don't like this type of intense exercise anymore. I and like struggled with it for a very long time and like, I don't like eating the same foods every day. And I'm like, this ******* sucks. And I can't make changes, even though every day I say I'm going to make changes and I still don't allow myself that same kindness. And it took therapy and like talking on the podcast and like with other people and learning and with friends and family. And stuff. And to like uncover and like figure out, oh, I give other people that grace. Like I had this narrative. Like, so I'm half black and just like growing up where I grew up. Like literally everyone is white and my whole family is white. And like, I had this narrative as a child. Like, Oh yeah, no. Like it's this is going to sound so strange to say
out loud. I've never said it loud, but white, that's OK for like white thin people to have. But like, I can't have ice cream. But like, they can. That's like, that's totally fine. Like, and just this, obviously, I don't believe that. And I now love ice cream again. We are besties and I eat it regularly and it's great. But like there was that piece that needed some healing and some attention of like, no, no, no, I can't have that, but they can. So I like that because they didn't think of it in those terms of like allowing yourself the same grace and kindness as you would give to others and. It is very healing in that sense. Absolutely. It was one of like when I first went to therapy, it was one of the things that my therapist caught me. Like when I was like saying like as I would talk about myself, she was like, I don't know. Of course, I think she was guiding me to come up with my own answer, but she was saying like ohh like you seem like someone who really is compassionate towards other people. And I'm like, look at the guy tried to be nice and she's like, well, why aren't you showing that compassion to yourself? And I remember just sitting there like, oh, oh, like, like it sounds like so simple. But at the time it like hit me in the chest was like, ohh like shoot. Yeah. Have not been like any showed myself any site type of kindness or compassion that I show other people. And yeah, it's again, it's tricky. It's easier said than done. But like, realizing that you're not doing it is the first step. And then like, OK, what is the tiny thing I can do here to really like, be a little kinder to myself? Like what would I tell a friend who was in this situation? Like, that sort of thinking is at least the first step, to actually start to work, to work through that. That is so true. Thank you for saying all that. And like it does, you're right. It does take a lot of work. Like sitting in that awareness can be awhile. Like I feel like I sat in that awareness for like months, years of like yeah like they can, they can have rest days. I can't like that type of thing. And so you're right. Like awareness is the first step and then making small baby steps
to. I treat yourself as an equal, even toward other people and you know, giving yourself that high self worth vibe. Good. Thank you. Thank you for being here and for sharing everything. Yeah, thank you. And thank you. Thank you for sharing your personal stories, too. That's really interesting to see, hear, like what you've been able to work through. Oh, honey, my pleasure. But it's a work in progress, let me tell you. People where they could find you and get more of you. Yeah, you can listen to me on a podcast platform, the Self Set Podcast, or I'm on Instagram at the self set. I love talking to people on there. I'm always like in my Instagram stories. And yeah, amazing. Thank you so much. This has been awesome and thank you.