The Better Boundaries Podcast

Billie Blake Risboskin on connecting to your intuition

March 20, 2023 Bria Wannamaker, RP. Season 3 Episode 148
The Better Boundaries Podcast
Billie Blake Risboskin on connecting to your intuition
Show Notes Transcript

In this interview with Billie, we talk all about people pleasing versus setting our boundaries and following our needs, wants, and desires. We discuss decision making and chat about when to listen to advice from others and when it's important to follow your intuition and your soul path. In this episode, Billie empowers us to step into the knowing that we are each, the experts of our own lives!

In today's episode, we discuss:

  • Pivoting
  • Intuition
  • Choice & change
  • People pleasing 
  • Rushing & chaos
  • Intention
  • Growth
  • Alignment

CONNECT WITH BILLIE for all things healthy habits
Instagram - @readytolosecoach
Podcast - Ready to Lose Podcast
https://billierisboskin.com/home/

Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com

Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.

And that resentment piece came in so hard. I was like resenting that this I had to leave my job to have this new job and to find a new job up here that I didn't have my community anymore. And I was putting it all on him at the same time, trying to push it down because I was then concerned about how he would feel about it if I brought it up. 

Billy, welcome to the Better Boundaries podcast. I'm really stoked that you're here. And yeah, I've loved getting to chat with you already. Yes, I am very excited to be here too. I'm so, so happy to be chatting with you on your podcast. So yes. OK, so before we dive in, can you give people a little bit of background on you, what it is that you do and also what is your? Deepest desire right now that you're looking for out of life in general. Oh. Oh, I'd love that. OK, so my name is Billy Blake Risboskin. I also have a podcast that's called Ready to lose. I say my middle name just because risk baskins a mouthful. So I always just go by Billy Blake. I'm obsessed. That's like literally the cutest name ever. It suits your look. It suits your personality. Like it's just so cute. I feel like you should be a famous person. Well, thank you. Well, I definitely got made. But until Billie Eilish or like the Billy Razors came around and everyone's like ohh, this is a this is a female name as well. 

But so I live in upstate New York, Rochester, NY. And I am a certified life coach and I focus on weight loss with people, but how I focus on it is. I keep really simple basic habits that my clients follow. And what we then get to work on is like emotions that come up, which usually affect how we show up with our habits or people pleasing or or our relationships with other people, or even our relationships with ourselves throughout the whole day. That leads to them like feeling like I need comfort from something else or like at the end of the day. And I used to be. So the reason I kind of fell into this was I was. An occupational therapist for years, and I also was a. People pleaser all of my life. So much so that when I think back to high school me for a while, I had this whole identity crisis. Cause I'm like I don't even know who I am or what I want because I'm just so good at doing what's expected of me. And even my position as an OT, I eventually got to a point where I really loved it. And I loved. I love working with. I used to work with kids and other people too. I loved working on teams in that way. But for a long time I didn't feel that because I was thinking, this is what my mom suggested I go into OT. I just had to. Once I decided on it, I didn't really have a choice. And I felt like. That a lot. So what ended up changing for me though, was I found coaching. I found life coaching. And then changed my life and the most. There were so many changes that came from like changing the way I interact with myself and those around me and like setting boundaries or getting clear on what I wanted and being brave enough to like say those things or like live a life that I wanted. One of the results that I was able to like physically see was I then lost weight in a way that didn't feel super hard or restrictive or all the things that you learn about weight loss. So then I was like, I got to get certified, I got to share more this with more people and my focus is weight loss, but we focus on all these. Relationship pieces, really. That's most of it. It's never, it's never secret foods or secret workouts. It's just like, how am I doing with my own emotions or doing with my life, whether it's at work, whether it's with my partner and all these different areas anyway. So it's kind of like a long answer. There's so many pieces to my story, 

but that's kind of how I ended up here, where I am today. So I think that's amazing. I think what stood out for me in all of that is when you said like. Being brave enough to say what you are actually looking for, desiring, craving, wanting to accomplish. So oftentimes we are fearful of of bringing that forward and. What's interesting to me too is like the people around us only want to see us succeed, really. I know that, you know, maybe people will say things out of their own fear or judgment. If we bring something forward and say, like, I'm interested in in doing this, I'm going to write a book, I'm going to start a podcast, I want to travel to, I want to take a month off work and go travel to this country. I want to start a family right now. Whatever that goal is, we can be really fearful to say it, especially to our loved ones. Um, so yeah, how do you how have you navigated that and how do you help others work through that too in their process? Yeah, well, the first thing is like is like getting that curiosity with yourself. Like if I wasn't afraid, like what would what would I really want? Or if I even sometimes I use the question of like if I was dreaming again because a lot of us like kind of stop. Doing that because we get so caught up in like just the day-to-day or past experiences where we did go for something and it didn't work or we got negative feedback from people. So getting clear on that first. But then when it comes to especially our loved ones, you set up perfectly like they're actually the ones when we're making a change. They have the hardest time often getting on board. And like you said, it's not because they don't love us or want us to succeed, it's just because they have just as much as we do. So think about like this like when you're trying to change habits for yourself. Things in your life for yourself. And it feels so hard because you're so used to doing it a certain way. I'm so used to 

this being my habit or this being how I live my life, and it feels so scary and uncomfortable to do for ourselves. The closest people to us have that same experience of us. If that makes sense. So they're like, they're also used to us saying yes to them whenever you want or they're so used to us. True. Like for my family, they're so used to me being an OT for a long time. When I did talk about wanting to become a life coach, they were not receptive. They were like, that's, you know, that seems risky, scary. My dad straight up didn't say this exactly, but implied that I was crazy and I should go for something else if I really want to continue education or switch careers and. They just they did want me to be safe. They also had experience of me being an OT in fact. When I looked at it outside because at first I got really defensive and like that hurt. I was like, ohh, they don't believe I can do this right. That wasn't it. They just had experience. Like you literally spent all this money and time to become an OT. Why would you then not want to be an OT if that makes sense. So they have just as much experience of who you are as you do. So it does take that bravery of and that courage of like, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to make the change first and start. You know, putting that out there. What I want and what I give my clients is just like expect that people might not be on board, but it doesn't mean it's wrong. They're just used to you being a certain way. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting to like thinking of it in terms of your work and like my past experience like in terms of food, fitness, body image, because I I literally went through this this morning before our call of doing some random. Rushed workout. And then I'm like, it would have been so much better had I been like great, awesome. I'm always proud of myself. I moved my body 

cool so that that aside, it still didn't feel the way I wanted it to feel. So it would have been so much better had I been intentional about it and owned the choice that I wanted to make. Like it was like a combination of random **** because I felt like I should be doing some of these things even if it wasn't. Necessarily what I wanted to do. So I vowed that, like, yeah, I'm kind of done caring about what I feel like I should be doing. And this has been a process. Like, you can't just rip the Band-Aid off and be like, I no longer give a ****. But like, this has been a process, and I feel like I'm literally at that stage where I'm ready to slow down, pause before a workout or pause before I'm doing something. Other behaviors that have been old patterning and conditioning. And intentionally move forward and be like, OK, is this what I genuinely want to be doing because we get so rushed? So whether it is from food, fitness, body image or whether it is from making those leaps in career, in school. Because it sounds like you were like rushed into like, OK, you got to go to college, got to be an OT, let's do this. Like, we don't have a time to pause for this. So I think this pausing is going to be big for change and we're just not given. The opportunity to do so and then I think we don't give ourselves the opportunity to pause either. Ohh yeah for sure it's like that. There's all these rules and actually when it comes to. Well, I'm sure it's like they tie also so much together. People pleasing boundaries, but a lot. And also manuals we have for like ourselves and others. It's like here's what I should be doing. Versus like. Operating from that place, even if it was a workout that you did want to, but if it's a thought I should be doing this or I need to do this or I have to, it's like it has a totally different feeling to it. And same with like that, that 

career aspect, it's like, it really is that, like you said, that pausing, that's slowing down. What do I really want? And also then making it that conscious choice, there's things even what changed my mind about my career eventually was because I thought I would never connect with OT. I was like, I just had to do it. I had to. And I did a lot of work on loving it. And one big piece of that was making it a deliberate choice. I was like, no, I I did choose to do this. It didn't feel. Maybe in the moment I was thinking like I didn't have a choice, but I did. No one made me show up for class every day, and no one made me, you know, keep going. I did. Just like that was part of it, was owning that choice. But then with that comes the ability to change my mind and choose something different. Yeah, it's just that it's really interesting like owning our choices because there is a point where sure we might be forced into something rushed just going with it, but we do have a choice. I even think, you know, say people have a pregnancy that was unplanned or something like that. Eventually you do, you do make a choice to have the child and you've got to be fully present for that and because we hold on to. This piece of resentment, like you were saying you made a choice and an effort to love the OT work and you know, exact same thing with someone, I think like raising a child who was unexpected or they felt like they were kind of rushed into it. I think they're going to hold a lot of like resentment there for those those avenues when we feel almost powerless or like we've fallen victim to our circumstances. So yeah, I guess really what it comes down to is like getting empowered. Even if you are in a situation that you're, you're in this situation right now and you 

feel like you're drowning in it. Taking that stand to be like, OK, this is uncomfortable, but I have choices here. Sometimes it feels like we don't have options. And yeah, talk to me a bit about that. Like feeling powerless, disempowered and the people pleasing component of your life and how you're navigating that. Oh yeah. So one of the actually. So as you're saying that like there was a part of my life. So like I guess to kind of give some context, when I first started as an OT, I worked in New York City for a couple of years at a school there and I really loved it. I love my community. I love my school. I didn't necessarily feel connected to the OT job, but I loved where I was working. And then I made the decision to move to upstate New York to be with my long term and also long distance boyfriend and like move up here to be with him. And that resentment piece came in so hard. I was like resenting that this I had to leave my job to have this new job and to find a new job up here that I didn't have my community anymore. And I was putting it all on him at the same time, trying to push it down because I was then concerned about how he would feel about it if I brought it up. And. It was that that shift in like choosing like ohh yeah I I I did choose to be here, I think that. But actually the question that really I was listening to a podcast. Which is the life Coach School podcast. That's where I got certified. And it was this question that really changed a lot for me. It was, if I'm happy either way, what do I choose? And that was because I was like, literally like, I'm going to move back to New York City. I'm so done. This is awful. I'm feeling so resentful, like crying every day and really in a dark place. And I was like, no, I chose to be here. And if I can make it work, I'd rather choose that. And then I got to then from that choice, I got to get to work working on that. But then that included being open. With him, how I was feeling 

or like being honest about what I wanted to do or not do, and with people pleasing, it's kind of giving. It's. And I'm sure you talk about this too. It's like it's giving that emotion back to people. It's like you are honest about what you want because that's what people pleasing is. It doesn't feel. Like it always. But it really is just lying. It's lying about what we want and it's lying to other people. Yeah. And it's not letting them be honest either. Yeah. Yeah. So if you're able to. Like verbally say what you're really wanting in that moment, or saying no to something that you don't want. Then it gives them the chance to be honest back to you. So like one example that always pops in my mind is my husband would like want me to hang out with all his friends to watch football and I do not care about football at all. It's like, it seems like such a silly one, but this is like a big part of our relationship. I'd be like, I I was like, I guess I'll go and I would like sit there and be so like thinking about all the other things I'd rather be doing. Why was there? It's not, you know what I believe there are no silly examples anyway. Go on. Cuz it's huge, has a big impact on you, on your body and your mind. You're like sitting there stewing in this and then it's like he's not getting what he wants because you're not engaged and you're not getting anyway. Go on. No. Yeah exactly. That's it. It's like I wasn't being honest about what I wanted. Like saying no I don't want to. So I would go because I'm like, oh, it's the nice thing, he really wants it. He wants me to be with his friends. So I would go and hang out. But then yeah, they weren't getting what they wanted either because I would. I would be sitting there not enjoying it, not engaging with people because what they really want. Girl with resting ***** face, what is happening here? I was not feeling closer to them, right? And like it just was like creating this bigger divide between us. And when you think about it, when people ask you to do something, they don't want you to do it 

and hate it, if that makes sense. Like if someone invites you to something, they want you, they're like, Oh yeah, that person would really love to come. She'll really love to come and hang out with us and do this you being honest. Just it also helps them get what they want. Yeah, but it's it's it's a lot easier said than done because people pleasing is such a big part of like how a lot of us are raised. Even thinking about like school and stuff you're always supposed to just. Do what's expected in a way. Yeah, that's so true. Yeah. And like, OK, I guess in this short but sweet interview coming to a close. 

What would you say to like a past version of yourself that struggled with breaking out of that cage and struggled with which, like we still do, it's a process. Struggled with communicating your needs and struggled with recognizing, hey, what I'm doing right now is not getting the results that I want. It's not good for my relationships, and I think it's really cool. You say you help. People like in your life coaching with their bodies through relationships, so that was a mouthful, but do what you will with it. Yeah, no, I guess that would tell past me. And this is true for everyone. Not just not just past past little Billy Blake, but everyone is that. 

Is that you do know best about. What's going on for you, if that makes sense? Like it's almost like that. That building, that trust of like I do know. What I want or I can figure it out um. If that makes sense. Like instead of, I used to just think that I really got to this place where I really thought I don't know what's best. Whether it was about my body or whether it was about my life or the career I wanted or the relationships I wanted or the things I wanted to do. But you do know best. You're the expert in your life. You're the expert and so. With that comes that ownership of like, I chose things, but I can also choose other things if I want to. Or I can choose to interact with these things differently too, like because not everyone is in a spot where it's like you're not. Yeah, I'm done with this job and move into this one right now. But it's like I can choose how I want to show up to that and how I want to show up for myself through that too. So you're the expert. That's what I love to give my clients to is, almost, especially with their bodies. It's like you do know, because so many times even I was just talking to a friend. About this we go to like doctors and we're expressing a concern. We have this happens. I could go off and I tie rant about this but or tirade about this but like. With women especially, there's so much like, oh, you know, there's nothing that really shows that you're experiencing these things, right? A lot of like, distrust with ourselves, what we're experiencing and feeling like we're crazy. No, you are the expert, you know what's going on for you and. Whether it's with your body or with your relationships, or with your job too. Like you know what's. Like really starting to trust that. Building that trust with that that I do know what I'm experiencing. ****. We should do a whole other episode on this idea of self trust and like being the expert of your life. It's interesting when you were talking like it just sent like you do know and going to the doctor and being like no like I am experiencing these symptoms or like even trying to tell other people like family members and no this is happening with me like I I swear and even things with. Like fatigue and things like that you can't see on the outside but and it seems like you should be like pushing through life 

and but you're like, I I feel this, I swear. Like it feels like I'm moving through molasses right now. You can't tell because I'm faking it. Putting on this show for you guys, but this is really how I'm feeling. Like, I would like, do you have that bravery to say and people like, no, you haven't looked like that like the past. I haven't heard you say this before. And it's like, no, it's been going on. Yeah, great. I'm great. I'm great people pleaser. That's exactly it. And it's like, yeah, I love that you talk about that piece of trusting yourself and that you know what's best. Gabor Matei talks about that piece and our intuition. In terms of how it serves as, you know, protective and that we needed, yes, one community. We get that. After COVID, I think we really recognize that yes, we are communal beings. We we require our society, we, we require family and friends and social supports. Yes. And we also need that intuition piece. We need to be able to trust ourselves, Gabor Matei says. Like and if we're thinking like primitive. Things you're out in the woods, you're hunting. You need to know and have that internal sense of is there danger around me? Is it like, am I hungry, do I need to rest? Do I need to find shelter? He probably says it much more eloquently than whatever I have, just like put together here. But but it is really interesting in thinking of terms of yes, we are social beings, and there also is a piece to our survival where it's. Imperative that we can rely on ourselves in order to keep ourselves safe and connected. Yes, 100%. Yeah it's it's that and with that too is like and especially because like like you said we are like. Built to like be with other people and also all the ways our brain works that 

leads us to people pleasing in the 1st place. Is that like, am I fitting in right now? Am I getting like, or am I about to be like, kicked out of the group and then left to fend on my own right? Yeah, but at the same time it's. It's you know, it does take a practice but that people pleasing or like starting to build that trust yourself like being honest about whether you want to it just it helps those. Around you too to do the same or like to to. I don't know, just like to do that for themselves or whether they're they just get to then be honest too. I think about this even with them. Like this happened with. And a few different ways. Like when I was considering leaving OT, I did this in college. At one point, my dad was like, you're just scared. I was like, well, yes, but also I'm not connecting with this, right? Like, but I believed him. And I was like, you know what, I'll just stick it out. And that was a choice in that aspect, but even also. When I did make the leap to like leave my job. As an OT at the time, there was like a hiring crisis going on and I remember working with my coach or working with someone on this. I was like, I'm feel so guilty. I feel so bad because they're going through a hard time and I was considering doing this and I want to do this. And what she gave to me was like, she's like you didn't. Create the hard time. True. She's like you didn't create that. And then also. Also, she goes and also if there's something going on, because it wasn't just a, you know, it was building up to it, but there were also some things happening that that school year where I was like, this isn't working, this isn't that one, this isn't what we agreed to. Like, I was supposed to be doing part time and they kept adding to my caseload. I was trying to be brave and speak up about it and they kept adding to it and so. Another thing she offered me, which I think is super helpful in terms of thinking about people pleasing and trusting ourselves, is like it sometimes helps other people 

like she's like if you like you leaving. Just helps them see that there's more of a problem too. If there's like like one, that's not the reason to do it right. There's other reasons that I was like ready to do that but I didn't create the problem. And then two, there is a problem and maybe this will help them see it better by me being honest about my experience. So yeah, I love that. I think that's huge and. It requires that, again, coming back to this slow, intentional choice, like you considered all of these factors before making a big leap. It wasn't impulsive. It wasn't on a whim, although you had other desires that you wanted to follow. And I think that's really beautiful. And it speaks to that piece of what your dad had said, like, oh, you're just scared. Well, you know, if you were just scared. Then, you know, it would have been a more impulsive, like fight or flight type of vibe. Like, OK, fine, I'll stay here and stick it out. Or like a piece. I'm out. I'm like moving. I'm traveling to Thailand. I don't know. But instead it was this process for you of growth and, you know, finding what was aligned for you. And so I guess finally, I want to ask you, where can people find you and connect with you? And also, yeah, we have. To do this again for a an expert of your life. 

That would be so powerful because like, I still, obviously I'm still practicing in my own life. But it's so powerful when you see people starting to click with it too. And I'm working with clients like like yeah, I just, I decided and I could trust it. So cool. So I'd love to do that. But where you could find me is I have a podcast ready to lose. It's anywhere you find podcasts. And then on Instagram is the second best place to find me. And that is ready to lose coach. So ready to lose and ready to lose coach on Instagram. And. Yeah, that's that's where you can find me. That is phenomenal. Thank you so much for today. I appreciate you. Yes, thank you. This was so fun and I really enjoyed it. I would love to come back. So thank you.