The Better Boundaries Podcast

Using your past patterns to propel you forward

May 11, 2023 Season 3 Episode 155
The Better Boundaries Podcast
Using your past patterns to propel you forward
Show Notes Transcript

In this episode I give some personal updates on what's going on for me plus share with you some strategies that I used to shift out of feeling stuck and burnt out to now experiencing momentum, flow, and so much gratitude!!!! Explore your past patterning, listen to your intuition for deeper answers, and take action toward what's aligned for you by resourcing the skills that you already have.

In today's episode, we discuss:

  • Work-life balance
  • Boundaries
  • Social relationships
  • People pleasing behaviour
  • The body-mind connection/somatic presentations of emotional ailments

Book recommendations:

Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com

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As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.

So there is a piece of ego where we can identify with it. We feel like we're being productive. And now in terms of boundaries, this is where it gets a little bit deeper. 

 

What's up, you guys? And welcome back to another episode of the Better Boundaries Podcast. Now I am releasing this episode a couple days late, actually, and it's interesting, so I'll get to the back story behind it. But we're going to talk about that today. Like, how do we use our Patterns in life? Or areas where we feel discomfort or stuck, stuck in our ways. Mainly, how do we use those to grow forward Okay. So the reason that I'm late releasing this podcast by a couple days is because I legitimately haven't made time to schedule in. And this is, I think, the third, yes, the third week without. An interview as well. So I haven't made time to schedule in time to sit down with a guest, and I also haven't made the time to sit down and record podcast episodes on my own. So I'm going through a pretty big like. Career shift transition right now. So I had had three jobs for a while and it's an interesting pattern that I have this. You know I mapped it out all the way from like grade 8 until now. And so it's been years of these patterns of time where and I encourage you to do this. I have this time where I have like 3 jobs or or one in my younger years like 3 commitments that I had to like attend to every year like and and other things going on. Because 

 

just when I got to this point this year I was like okay, I'm exhausted and burnt out. I've already done this. Why am I doing all the things again? And I was like, this is yeah like this has already happened. How did we get here? So I tracked back everything career wise, relationship wise. I even wrote down in the different like year categories. Like I didn't go every year. I just went by the years that caused me, not caused me, but that I experienced. There it go the most discomfort in those like challenging kind of growth resistance moments. So I went by that and just it looked like it was every like there had been one that was like there was a four year period of this and then like a year and a half gap and then another like 3 year. And like a year and a half gap and then it happened for a couple years. So I just like looked at the different patterns so and marked down the discomfort like what did I feel like you know I was committed to at those times that I couldn't necessarily get out of. What were the feelings like? The burnt out, like exhaustion. Any physical responses like crying? I also wrote down stuff like physical health or like medical health that I was going through at the time. And it's really interesting that comes up, you're like, oh jeez, oh, I had that thing and I went to the walk in clinic for that and Oh my God, goodness gracious. And but we here now we're good, we're good, we're healthy, everything is fine. But it's it's interesting to look back at what kind of presents physically at the same time as you're going through the challenging emotional and mental health periods as well. And I 

 

looked at everything from what kind of birth control I was using at those times and was I traveling and and what was my money situation at those times. And who was I in relationship with at those times? So I really encourage you to go back and map out patterns of when you've experienced something similar to what you're going through right now, if you're in this period of kind of growth and discomfort. Anyway, I have made some significant changes for the better. So I'm not going through that necessarily like. Intense period anymore of working three jobs and just having no personal time, no time for self-care or leisure or fun or spending time with loved ones. Because it's only it's only work in those moments and that turns into survival, right? It's like okay. Well, I just have time to sleep and pack my lunch and maybe squeeze in a workout and that's that's that. I don't have time for anything else. Which that really puts your body into survival and that's not a way to live, not a way to thrive, which becomes even more challenging because of the Financial Times that we are in right now. So I mean, part of it is societal right? People feel like they have to be working all the time in order to and and sometimes they literally do have to be working all the time to keep up with things financially during this day and age. And so, yeah, I want to invite you to try that exercise. Look back at your patterns, jot down anything that's, you know, notable, memorable for you. And like I said, I just went back by the years. It wasn't like, literally from like 2007 2023. was just, I chunked, 

 

chunked the years together. About memorable moments. And so yeah, that was a very cool exercise. And you know, a couple people actually have come on the podcast and recommended a book to me that I have yet to read. But I guess it's called Existential Kink and somebody had just told me that in it they ask, you know, like, what? What kind of? Or I. And then I also heard about on a podcast. Yeah, that's where So I heard someone say on the podcast and it was like, what do you like? What turns you on about the challenging times that you're in? Like, what about that you like, Yeah, sure. A lot of yourself is going to say, oh, I don't like this. Like, I'm exhausted. I can't handle this. I hate being stressed. I'm burnt out. 

 

And like, and maybe that's true for you It it doesn't have to be in career like it can be in any area of your life. Like maybe you're a mom and you have a bunch of kiddos running around and part of you is like, oh, like same thing I just said, you know, I'm exhausted. I'm burnt out. I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I can't handle this. And then so I guess in that and don't quote me on this because I have not read the book, but in that book, existential kink. I had heard that it kind of. Alludes to the question of, like, yeah, but what turns you on about where you're at right now in your life? Like, because we keep coming back to these patterns, we keep coming back to these. So what is bringing you back there? So I kind of tried to ask myself that question when I looked at the patterns of OK, yeah, sure, you're saying you're burnt out, but you just keep doing the same thing. We can look back. You've done this like. Four different periods in your life and you keep coming back to this. So what about it? So great. And there is a part of it that's ego, right? So you can say like, oh, like, you know, I I do this. I like we identify as that piece of like of our work, right. Or if you're a mom, like, oh, I identify like as a mom. I have like 3 kids. Da, da, da. For me, it was like, Oh yes, I do this as a job. Oh, and I do this. So there is a piece of ego where we can identify with it. We feel like we're being productive. And now in terms of boundaries, this is where it gets a little bit deeper. So I recognized that and this is like some deep dive, like meditating, journaling. Walking and asking yourself these tougher questions, I'm like, OK, yeah, yeah. Just from a curious lens though, I know you're feeling this way, you say you're feeling this way, but what are you getting out of it, honestly, Because you keep doing this. So these are like some deep questions that you have to stop and actually like one take the time 

 

to ask yourself, but also answer OK and get to that deeper layer. Like, sure, there's a piece of identity and ego attached to it. And underneath that, for me, it's boundaries. Work allows me to say to people, no, sorry, I can't. I work. They say, oh, you want to hang out this day? No, sorry, I can't. I work. Oh, are you coming to this event? No, sorry, I can't. I work. Oh, are you coming to the state? No, no, no, no. Sorry. That's my one day off. I I got to just get everything else done. Right. It gives you an excuse. It automatically sets a boundary. And when we are raised as people pleasers, I don't mean that literally, because sometimes my mom listens to that. I do not mean you were raised me as a people pleaser. I mean in this society, okay do not take personally. In this society, when we are raised as people pleasers, to be polite, to say yes to things, to you know it's rude if you turn down an invitation, like accept an invitation and you should want to be there. When we have that mentality, 

 

it's hard to set boundaries to take care of yourself. So what I I really in looking at those patterns, it motivated me to. Set myself up for success and say OK, what lessons do I need to learn here that I clearly haven't learned and applied yet. 

 

And because I don't want to end up back here in another 1.5 and find myself doing the same pattern again and just being totally wiped and having nothing left to give to myself and and other milestones in life that I want to that I want to. 

 

I don't know. Achieve. Attain, get out of life. Other priorities, I guess, right. So boundaries. For me it's an easy out to say, oh, I can't, sorry, I work. We often need to come up, feel like we need to come up with an excuse or a reason why we can't. And what this time in my life gave me was time to recognize that. What I've been preaching is the truth about filling your own cup and the importance of self-care. 

 

Because I did not have time for that during this work period. And I realized how important other priorities are to me, like family and building my own family, and like a mission in life and a purpose. And just something that is greater than myself to work toward and how important my creative outlets are to me. And so, yeah, just there are other things that are important that might not necessarily feel like they are a quote UN good excuse to say no to something or turn down a social engagement or event. But. You have to do what feels good for you. So that's what I've learned during this time and that I've already started applying. I've already realized where in my life I need to set boundaries in order to keep myself safe. Or I will just keep running into this using work as an excuse. So that's going to be a really beautiful. Balance in applying these new skills that I've learned. So I invite you to look at your patterns and ask yourself you know what are you getting out of it that you keep saying in these patterns? What skills have you not learned yet to apply that? If you don't learn from these challenging times, you'll end up right back here in this exact same feeling again. It might look different in the future, but it will be the same feeling, right? For me, it's that exhaustion, burnout, spread too thin, running myself into the ground and you get there and you're like, Oh my gosh, like, how did I get here again? So one of those moments, it might show up differently in your life, but look for the similar feeling where like. What? Like, I thought I healed this. I thought I moved through this. Why are we here again? So look for that. Ask yourself deeply looking for the answer. What am I getting 

 

out of this? What purpose is this serving, like I said, for me and asking deeply, it was, it felt like permission. It felt like permission to use my no, to use my voice to others specifically, like social engagements and whatnot. Because I had work as an excuse, as a crutch. And now I feel really confident in my know actually. Because I know how important it is that I set aside time for myself and that I don't have to be everywhere all the time. So ask yourself deeply and get quiet and listen for the answer. I hope that this is helpful for you and I will see you again soon. Bye.