The Better Boundaries Podcast

[INTERVIEW] Attachment styles, friendship, & partnership

May 23, 2023 Season 3 Episode 156
The Better Boundaries Podcast
[INTERVIEW] Attachment styles, friendship, & partnership
Show Notes Transcript

Nic is back on the podcast!! Today we talked all about our favourite topic LOVE! We talked about friendships and romantic partnerships; just relationship dynamics in general and how our default fight/flight/fawn/freeze (sympathetic nervous system) response, influences our default attachment styles and how we become programmed through our experiences across the lifespan including throughout infancy and childhood, to respond in these ways based on our relationships with our primary caregivers. You are going to love this interview!!

In today's episode, we discuss:

  • Relationships
  • Mental health
  • Interdependence
  • Addiction
  • Intimacy
  • Attachment styles
  • Sympathetic nervous system response

Book recommendations:

Related Podcast Episodes:

Bria Wannamaker, RP.
@betterboundariespodcast
www.briawannamaker.com

Support the show, buy COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

As always, please remember that these podcast episodes are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical healthcare or mental healthcare. Podcasts are available as an educational and entertainment resource and are not advice, recommendations, or suggestions. Please seek out the necessary professional services if you require assistance.

If there is something lacking in the child's perspective, I think that's where it's projected onto other people, where they're. Almost like grasping at straws, kind of just trying to like fulfill that need or fulfill that love. 

yeah, maybe just like, introduce yourself. I'm excited to talk. Introduce yourself who you are, what you do. And like also maybe what you do for fun and leisure. Sure. So my name is Nicola. I work in mental health and addictions field, as I have for about several years now. And well, I have a passion for mental health and advocating for people who are in need. That's how I got started into the field. And then for fun, I enjoy working out, spending time with friends, spending time with my dog. I'm pretty easy going. I'm always kind of up for something fun, so that's me. I love that. And do you know what that's true about you with friends like you have such a big. 

Friend group or I don't know if it's big, but I think that you have a lot of people you're close to, which is like always someone that you can call on. And that's something I feel like I've been lacking lately and like it's my own doing of like isolating and then like. Coming out of my little cocoon and be like **** but friends, friends are a thing and then like doing that pattern over and over again. So I don't know what's your like #1 kind of tip for keeping relationships. This isn't even something but it's so tough as like an adult with a full time job and you know like just regular stuff your own self-care and seeing. Like balancing seeing everybody but. Also balancing your loan time. So by no means do I spend like I spend a majority of my time by myself, quite frankly. But I'm here for it. Yeah, but I think, like that's kind of the beauty of all my friendships is it is those types of friends where it doesn't matter how long it's been, it can be like 2 weeks a month, two months. We'll send each other a message and it's like nothing's changed. We're picking up exactly where we left off. So I think, like, that's perhaps the kind of perspective that you need to take when you're when you're entering those adult friendships. Because yeah, everyone's so busy with their own lives. We're not going to be able to see each other connect like regularly. So I think just acknowledging like. Not taking it personally if you don't hear from somebody and then if you do want to connect being the person to reach out or you know kind of initiating plans. So I think that's so neat. Like I've always called it low maintenance friendships. Like that's been my jam since I was little like. So only child life 

over here. Like I remember specifically this one friend who would come over and was like. Pretty like attached. Like literally wanted to be like very close. This is when I was like, I don't know eight or something like wanted to be really close to you like in your face the whole time. And I'm more of like when I was that age. Like a little bit of a parallel play person. Like we can both play Barbies, but like can you be over there And I'll just over here and I'll do my thing and you also do your thing and we're still playing together but. And so I remember my mom kind of coaching me through that when having that friend over of just like yeah sometimes you you don't need to be right in each other's faces And and I think she's someone who we lived in the same neighborhood would like literally like come knock on my door every day or like call every day and she was like it's okay to take breaks too from people. So it's like that balance I find of. Yeah, having some low maintenance friendships, but also people that will reach out to you and like you feel like you can pick up where you left off with. I love that. Yeah, it's a beautiful spot to be in. Honestly, Okay and like that kind of makes me think of too in terms of our topic for today. Love, which is like so broad. I know, I know you scared me when you said that I was like, 

so I was also thinking like love and attachment styles. Okay, that's my jam. I know, right. So Kate, what is your attachment style and like what comes to mind for you? In terms of that that's I'm just gonna Doss that over there. I am anxious, avoidant and I feel like it's living 2 Hells on earth, honestly because Oh my God, I have the worst of the worst worlds. Like I you know, like being an anxious attachment style. Like I'm obviously like super in my head and like judging myself all the time and like thinking about the connections that I do have and like worried about whether or not. This person likes me or like you know, all those kinds of automatic thoughts that come along especially when you're getting to know someone or like first dating someone and then like my avoidance side is like the 2nd that I feel or like interpret a threat of the connection or relationship. I'm almost like alright, peace out by Nope. Closed off never again. Well we can just be friends but like I'm not opening my heart up to you so. Yeah, it's like battling those together can be really hard. But kind of how I deal with it, I guess is being very like Selfaware and kind of in tune with my own brain and body and like knowing which kind of attachment I'm experiencing to try and like. Challenge those, I guess, right? So I've been working really hard on like, you know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, like if this person like. If they like me, like that question doesn't matter. Because really, like the important question is, do I like them? Am I having fun? Am I enjoying myself? Am I feeling respected, appreciated, like all those things that are way more important? And I believe that, like, the right person is just going to show up. You know, like how I need and and what I want. And I won't. Have those questions because they'll just be able to like almost prove, but like demonstrate that through their actions and through their words and then alternatively with like the avoidance side I do kind of have to check myself again like challenge that like OK, slow down like maybe ask some more information before 

I completely like check out and run away. So 

and like. 

I resonate with that avoidant piece like with so slow down because I am definitely like 100%. Avoidant is my default which I have like done so much work around but it's still there and and I feel like these come up the most in conflict. Especially for the avoidant because it's just that total shutdown of like okay cool, I'm I don't have to deal with this. It's it's like a very neat attachment style because. It's kind of the epitome of being like a boss *** ***** because it will. It tricks you into thinking that like your ego, that whatever that piece built up like during childhood to like you know, save you from whatever was happening around you. Like when we developed those attachment styles like my ego for that was like your boss *** ***** you don't need nobody, like you can handle yourself. You got this. So yeah, like my go to is like if there's conflict. In the relationship, like a moment of sadness and then it's like, okay, no, it's fine. You're boss *** *****. You like go on with your life. You don't need nobody. We take care of ourselves like you're so independent. So I've been having to like talk down that voice because as supportive as that sounds. It's just not. It gets in the way of actually having deeper connections and like. Exactly. Yeah, like the Intima CPS, you're not gonna be able to build that deep connection with somebody else if you're kind of constantly in those fight or flight. Zones. 

Right. And I kind of like what you said about how it's even as much work as we do on ourselves and as much like challenging and coaching we work through, it's still going to be, at the end of the day our automatic response, like our automatic thought. Because that's how our brains through, like you said, childhood have been programmed and wired are like this is what I need to do to protect myself. And I think that's important to acknowledge. Just because I think for some people who perhaps are like struggling with their attachment styles, you can kind of feel that perhaps you haven't done enough work or you haven't been working on it when you're still having those thoughts. But I think it's perfectly normal to continue to experience those thoughts. Hopefully, you know, they're a little bit less and less intense. And I think also to say to that like. You know, everything is nonlinear. So there's going to be times where it's way, way more intense, even if you've been coasting before. But those that's our fight or flight. So it's always going to come up no matter what and it's just how we deal with it and how we get through it that really matters. That's so interesting. And 

yeah, I love that you said it's nonlinear and I think even in the same like I've. Been in like conflict or argument like in partnership before and had wins, like had the avoidant thoughts come up and then I just like, put them elsewhere and I'm like, no, we're gonna you can go for a walk. You can like, yeah, take your alone time, take your space. But you don't have to like leave the building. You can you could do just like a meditation like take your time. Go to the bathroom, whatever it is, like any kind of selfcare. So I've like been in arguments before and stacked a bunch of wins on top of one another and then it gets to a point where that like window of tolerance is like closed if the argument or like conflict isn't resolved. So then it's like a fullblown I'm out of here by. 

So it's interesting that you say like, yes, nonlinear in like days, weeks, months, years. And it also can be nonlinear in the exact same like you can have both wins and successes in managing like your attachment style and you can have some setbacks or like quote UN failures all at the same time. Absolutely, absolutely. I think it's, yeah, it's always going to be. A journey. And I think even when we have these quotes, setbacks, it's still an opportunity later for you to kind of come back and reflect and be like, like, you know, have that conversation with yourself, Okay, what perhaps was I feeling in that moment? Why was I so triggered? What could I do next time to perhaps kind of support? My healing journey and moving forward. So I still think there's tons of like learning opportunity even in those times that don't feel so great. It's so true. And I want to go back to something you said before about like asking yourself 

instead of the judgments and the worries of like does this person like me, all of those questions. More like I hope you like me kind of deal going into different interactions with that energy versus do I like this person, do I like how I'm being treated? Am I having a good time? Like, is this within my values go into that because that starts at a really young age. Like I have been working with so many like children and youth and I see it in their like friendships at school where there's some kids that go into interactions with other peers and they're like. Yeah, like, please like me. Like I will do anything to get you to like me. Like I will buy you things. I will, I will give you my toys, my personal items. Like that starts young. It does. I think that that's if I had to kind of guess from my experience like in mental health and personal experience, I think that it comes down to, yeah, like the childhood. Connections and relationships that they've built with their primary caregivers. And if there was like a need missing from that caregiver, so probably mom or dad and even in terms of just like love, affection, attention, like that kind of thing. If there is something lacking in the child's perspective, I think that's where it's projected onto other people, where they're. Almost 

like grasping at straws, kind of just trying to like fulfill that need or fulfill that love. And then that's kind of like so through journey through to adulthood. That's something that I feel I'm working on is like fulfilling my own love and attention and needs and like finding that power in spending all that time by yourself and like going on dates with yourself and like spending time with yourself and not like. Finding that almost like pull towards other people. We're all like social beings and I'm an extroverted person also. So of course I want to spend time with other people. But is it because, you know, I'm looking for that like love or attention because I can just give that to myself. So it's very interesting because yeah, I think you can definitely see it very early on and then as as well like I work with adults, so seeing. The people who perhaps never were able to work on that, that's where we see a lot of, yeah, people with sometimes like multiple partners, like who can't settle down and like dating a lot of people or infidelity. And that's not to say every single person who experiences deficits and like love and attention are going to follow through in that because. There's many people who don't, and you know, they're perhaps they're just like meeting those needs in other ways. But a lot of the people that I do see who like practice, like multiple dating partners and infidelity, it does come down to like that lowered self esteem and that lack of like love. So that's just one way that somebody could be expressing or projecting that later on in life. 

So true. Yeah. I hadn't like fully considered that, like because it does have so many different impacts, like growing up. But yeah, I hadn't even. I was thinking in terms of like addictions to like, feeling, yeah, need with something else like numbing and stuff. But I like that you relate it to like partnership and and sex and intimacy and like looking for it in like 1000 different ways. 

K and I feel like we have to do another one of these. Cuz this is too Yeah we can we can jam on addiction. My God, we need to talk about addiction okay. So hit us with like one final tip that you would share in terms of like. Everything we've talked about today, attachment style, Where do we even start? Because people are like, okay? Well, yeah, I was like this in childhood. Like I was the kid who was always giving my snacks away. Or like, maybe you're the kid who's like shutting down and running away and now you feel like you're the adult who's doing all these things still. So yeah, where do people start with this stuff? 

I think maybe the first thing would be to kind of identify what type of attachment style you have and decide if that's something that you want to work on. There's like tons of resources online and like in bookstores about like working on your attachment style. So I think that that's something totally doable and then even just like noticing. Your triggers, like when you're in that fight or flight mode, like what's been going on? Why are you like even taking that time to journal? Just some kind of simple practices to be mindful about what you're thinking and feeling and how your body and brain are reacting. Dude, that's huge that you said. Like the triggers part, because for me that's something that actually helps a lot. Now that you bring it up, it's like literally saying out loud like, oh, this is a trigger. Like I'll have like a funny conversation with myself and bring humor to it. Like, oh, Bria, like remember this is a trigger for you. Like this has happened before. Universe, you're so funny. Like, thanks for sending this to me again. Like that kind of conversation. It just helps to I did this. It's like in eating disorder recovery, too. I think I had talked about this on an episode before of like seeing a girl in like a sports bra going for a run while I'm like at home sitting on my computer and literally calling a spade a spade and being like, oh, that's a trigger. Like out loud. Just editing that **** helps so much. So yeah, I like that a lot. Yeah. And give it time to process, right, Because those triggers are going to link back to whatever childhood experience you had that caused that wound and 

caused the development of that attachment style. So it's like not only do you, not only is it good practice I guess to work on in that moment, but healing that, you know, core wound from where it's developed maybe a little bit down the road, but something to kind of think about. So good. Thank you. Thanks for all your wisdom and knowledge and and chats. I love it. Ohh you're welcome anytime.